Memories – The Rebellion of Angels and Demons Within

Memories are something very unique and is a fingerprint of its own.  Memories can be good or bad.  Memories can be created where you are on the receiving end or the other end of someone else’s good/bad memories.  It is part of life and the inevitable journey we all have.

My unshakable memories, the good, the bad and the ugly experiences, were the building blocks of who I am today and directly influence my decision-making skills.  Some memories flare up more often than others; some hurt more than others; some cause tears to run down my face, and some put a smile on my face.

I have memories where I was a scapegoat for some; memories where I was toyed with and made a fool of; or being used for the growth and wellbeing to people that did not care how it affected me.  And the same applies to the hurt I have caused to the people I loved.  I was as much a monster as I was a victim and I form part of many bad memories of others (and hopefully some good ones too).  Many of my mistakes in my past still haunt me to this day.

And for a person that easily forgive, it is extremely frustrating when I realize I never forgave myself, nor does it feel that I will forgive myself soon.  Some memories present themselves as regrets where I can’t help to wonder “what if…” or “I should’ve…”.  When that happens, the memories become a burden that gradually grow to a point where I struggle to keep my chin up.

But of course, one does have good memories too.  Memories of a first love and first kiss; chatting for hours on end with someone you care about; memories of dancing in the rain; memories of a get together with friends are to mention a few, but it means as much to me now as it did all those years ago.  Some memories are my coping mechanism.  During tough times, I try to recall the best memories in my life – even though it hurts because it is something in the past and I can never reinvent those times.  I am very fortunate that I had magnificent people in my life in the past, and even now, there are still a few that always build up the good memories in my life.

But, things have changed.  In the past I was more open, and I shared more than I do now.  I have realized that I try to keep everything inside – partly not to expose myself to hurt again, or to disappoint the people in my life.  But is it what life is about?  Is it about ‘playing it safe’?  Or is it about protecting the important people in your life? Or is it about gambling with uncertainties and then hope for the best? In keeping to myself, does it reduce the possible good memories still to be made?

I find myself wondering if it is possible to change.  Or is it that at this stage of my life, change is almost impossible?  I would not mind experiencing some of my memories of my ‘long long ago in a faraway place’ again.  Or of such quality that I will never forget it. But it feels like that is just a mere wish upon a star where it is only possible in dreams.

Make time for the loved ones – often just a “hello” or “I miss you!” can remind someone that they are important in your life.  Keep those who create the good memories close to you and cherish them.  Capture those memories deep within you heart and mind!  Call on those memories as often as you can!  Let the good memories overshadow everything else.  Do not let the regrettable memories overpower the good ones as it will take a greater effort to rejuvenate your positive energy. Harvest and be part of good memories.

A Unique Kind of Human

More often than not, the human race shows what demonic beast it can be.  Greed, corruption, racism, hatred, intolerance, and the list goes on and on!  Sometimes to the point where people prefer to avoid people than to engage with them.

But then…

A devastating fire absorbs a place called The Pilanesberg National Park (situated in the North West Province in South Africa, and roughly 570 square kilometers in size). Fittingly nicknamed “The Gem in the North West” where people often go to escape the every day life!  A place where nature surrounds you with beautiful scenery and the natural orchestra of animal calls.  It is a sanctuary not only for wildlife, but also for the sanity of some people.

As the fire continued its destructive path, it is evident how many people where heartbroken about the devastation.  Social media on several groups and pages cried for help and as you read the comments, you can feel the emotion and helplessness of everyone!

For some of us, it is an escape from the rat race.  Even a coping mechanism to cope as a matter of speaking with life.  I can even go so far as to call it my meditation!  For most of us that have visited Pilanesberg, it is the purest kind of joy!

Photographers and animal/nature lovers all are sharing their pain and emotions in one voice!  Each understood what the other felt!  No racial, religious, ethnic or language barriers or conflicts!  All over the world, everyone that has been to Pilanesberg are pleading in one language!  One voice!  One emotion!  United!  They are a unique kind of human!  Each one of these special people had one focus! The Pilanesberg National Park with all of its fauna, flora, staff and volunteers that were affected!

Everyone concerned, eager and willing to help where one can! Currently, the Park needs all the help it can get, whether it is volunteers or financial support to purchase bales or access to vet care, or rebuilding infrastructure!  If you know someone that can assist or if you are in the position to assist or support, please direct your browser to https://pilanesbergwildlifetrust.co.za.

PS:  If you have never visited Pilanesberg National Park, put it on your bucket list!  You will not regret it!

Pilanesberg NEVER disappointed me with sightings!

Haunted by Unforgivable Mistakes

The night is dark.  Barely any light break through the towering tree tops that create faint silhouettes, but as soon as they appear, are they absorbed in the thick mist covering the forest floor.  A grey, lifeless canvas is all that is left.  The path forward is uncertain, but turning around is not an option.

This is where my thoughts lead me the last while.  The eerie shadows of mistakes from the past.  It is easy to say not to live with regrets, and I understand the thought process behind it.

But ‘What if…’

What if you could time-travel back in time to avoid making a mistake?  How far would you go back?  Would you go back, knowing that it will change your whole future, and erase good memories made after the mistake you wish to fix?

Friends gave me their input, based on their current mindset and circumstances.  Interesting enough, it ranges from friends wishing not to change anything, to friends having specific times in their lives.  This made me realise that we all have a struggle of our own.

The struggle is real.

When I asked myself this question, I would probably try to go back for more than a decade.  Maybe even further back, however, it is more complicated than that.  If I time-travelled to all these years ago, there is no doubt my life would’ve been totally different.  But as we all know, there are consequences to our actions.  If you changed the history affecting your life, you will change your path forward.  If I changed the course of my life, I would’ve gained in certain aspects, but lost in other aspects.

My character would’ve been slightly different as certain experiences help you grow in life, and some things you can only learn from experience.  And let’s be honest, at times we are too proud to learn from other’s mistakes or ask a helping hand.

Unfortunately, one cannot time-travel, and the consequences of our decisions and actions of our past will have changed our lives inevitably.  Our decisions would’ve cost us friends, and gained new ones.  Our professional careers might have been different, or our direction of studies might have been different.

My mistakes have cost me more than what I would admit to, but saying it was only losses would be a lie.  I have gained a lot as well.  I have met new people.  I have met great people BECAUSE I have made the mistakes in the past.

Mistakes come with a cost.  Gaining all I have as a consequence of my mistakes, also came at a price.

Now, imagine the warm smile on someone’s face when they are happy.  Imagine the friendly wrinkles around their eyes when they are content.  Imagine the air filled with the laughter and warmth of their beating heart.  Imagine their comforting voice as they speak.  Imagine that racing heartbeat when you just think of them.  Imagine the excitement of having them in your life.  Imagine how you wish to be there as support them when things go wrong – even if is just a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear.  To know they can rely and depend on you.  Imagine getting good news and talking to them trump the feeling of the good news.

Then imagine…

Then imagine pushing them away because you do not wish to hurt them; you wish not to disappoint them; you wish to keep them safe from your demons.  You watch from afar because you care too deeply and you sacrifice possibly one of your few chances of happiness all to see them happy.  Imagine this burden bearable because you believe they are worth every moment.

We all battle our demons daily.  And with some battles we are victorious and others we have casualties.  The scar tissue remains as the reminder of battles won and lost. It is easy to say not to live with regret, but some say it is not regretting, just lessons learned.  At the end, it boils down to your decision on how you wish to balance it because every single moment of our life, is about choices and that begins a new vicious circle of consequences all over again.

As we meander through our unique ominous wilderness, we know we are not the first or the last to take this journey, yet we feel alone.  The burden adds weights to our feet and at times it feels as if our backs are snapped backwards.  At the end, we all yearn for that ray of sunshine, even if just for a split second.  It gives us hope and we push forward.

The journey continues…

The Trickled Sands of Memories

Before the end, I was clutching my hands in an attempt not to lose you.  But the firmer I made my grip, the more slipped through my fingers.  Before I knew it, I clutched an empty fist.  In the beginning after the end, I found myself at times wishing I suffered from amnesia, just to hide the pain – just even to pretend that I am not broken.  I have made a grueling attempt to forget you; wash you out of my system, but I have failed.  I realized that I cannot decide when to forget.

As the memories like the grains of sand of time trickle down the hour glass, it is swept away by a raging river.  A river swaying from side to side – eroding the edges and digging deeper – leaving its footprints behind.  It concave from side to side, leaving bigger paths and more visible erosion: shallow wrinkles and deep scars within.

As the rivers’ rage subdue, it leaves the sediment of the sands behind, covering some of the destruction it left behind: hiding some of the damage it has done.  As I look at this waterway, I realize that the memories are embedded much deeper than what I originally anticipated.

I still remember your beautiful eyes that melted my defenses in an instant.  Your eyes penetrated my soul. it awakened some part of me that have died a long, long time ago.  Your eyes were magnets. My focus always shifting from daily activities, to you and your eyes. Those very same eyes often scolded me when I was in the wrong: and that without a single word spoken.

Your beautiful smile could ignite and warm up any atmosphere.  All negatives would be swept away and a person would just appreciate the aura you radiated from within.   Your smile acted as an emotional booster; a ‘fix’; a miracle!  Your smile was addictive! Your smile was magical.

Your gentle touch felt like silky smooth gold-dust on any given day.  My heart still race thinking of it.  Little did you know the powers you held.  You had the powers to make or break all defenses and guarded posts.  You destroyed impenetrable walls like a hot knife through butter.

I miss your voice and your laughter, and I struggle to hold on to these memories.  A whisper from the heavens above that keep you on your toes; making life worthwhile.  As much as I try to replicate the harmony in my mind, I struggle.  The recollection of this, are almost impossible. Eventually, I know it would be lost forever.

These are the sediments that wash up against the riverbeds.  Seasons come and go, tides ebb and flow, and memories slowly gets covered by the sediment of daily events.  I know one day a flood will come and wash away the sediment the riverbed dumped, exposing the memories and revealing the scar tissue once again.

After this, what will be left behind?  The memories of what you meant in my life; what impact you had in my life.  The river’s bends and curves will be my blessing and my curse.  Love is strong and trumps everything, yet love lost hurt more than most in life.

A Good Memory

I had an extraordinary day.  It was filled with surprises from the morning to the night.  My heart and soul was drifting on clouds and I was truly happy.  I was on an extreme high because of a few friends.

A special friend took cupcakes and placed candles on them and told me to make a wish and blow the candles out.  I made my wish… maybe I aimed too high though. Later the night she arranged for us to go out for a tequila or two, where she secretly arranged for a few other close friends to meet up and we obviously didn’t end up having only two tequilas.

I want to say so much more regarding this day, but maybe at a later stage.

Funny First Times

During this time where I didn’t blog I had a few first time incidences that was embarrassing but funny.  They all happened in a very short space of time.

The first one that I will mention is that I was in a car accident (and it was my fault).  That is not the embarrassing part of it!  The awkwardness is in the fact that I was on my way to a Pyjama Party that I arranged for a few friends.  I am very grateful that it happened before the party though  🙂

Secondly, I picked up friends and went to attend the Spring Break Festival at Sun City.  The show we went to watch was ‘VanFokKingTasties’.  The name derived from the four bands that were playing: Van Coke Kartel, FokofPolisieKar, aKing and Die Heuwels Fantasties.  On our way there, my vehicle decided that it can’t run on fumes and we got stuck without petrol!  The first time in my life!!!!   And why is it, it must always happen when other people are around?  When we eventually got to hit the road again, I raced to Sun City at an  unmentionable speed – just to get pulled over and get a verbal warning!

The show was awesome though.

My next few entries will have a lot to do with friends and how I see them.  I hope that these friends are not offended when they realise I wrote about them.