Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

Before the end, I was clutching my hands in an attempt not to lose you.  But the firmer I made my grip, the more slipped through my fingers.  Before I knew it, I clutched an empty fist.  In the beginning after the end, I found myself at times wishing I suffered from amnesia, just to hide the pain – just even to pretend that I am not broken.  I have made a grueling attempt to forget you; wash you out of my system, but I have failed.  I realized that I cannot decide when to forget.

As the memories like the grains of sand of time trickle down the hour glass, it is swept away by a raging river.  A river swaying from side to side – eroding the edges and digging deeper – leaving its footprints behind.  It concave from side to side, leaving bigger paths and more visible erosion: shallow wrinkles and deep scars within.

As the rivers’ rage subdue, it leaves the sediment of the sands behind, covering some of the destruction it left behind: hiding some of the damage it has done.  As I look at this waterway, I realize that the memories are embedded much deeper than what I originally anticipated.

I still remember your beautiful eyes that melted my defenses in an instant.  Your eyes penetrated my soul. it awakened some part of me that have died a long, long time ago.  Your eyes were magnets. My focus always shifting from daily activities, to you and your eyes. Those very same eyes often scolded me when I was in the wrong: and that without a single word spoken.

Your beautiful smile could ignite and warm up any atmosphere.  All negatives would be swept away and a person would just appreciate the aura you radiated from within.   Your smile acted as an emotional booster; a ‘fix’; a miracle!  Your smile was addictive! Your smile was magical.

Your gentle touch felt like silky smooth gold-dust on any given day.  My heart still race thinking of it.  Little did you know the powers you held.  You had the powers to make or break all defenses and guarded posts.  You destroyed impenetrable walls like a hot knife through butter.

I miss your voice and your laughter, and I struggle to hold on to these memories.  A whisper from the heavens above that keep you on your toes; making life worthwhile.  As much as I try to replicate the harmony in my mind, I struggle.  The recollection of this, are almost impossible. Eventually, I know it would be lost forever.

These are the sediments that wash up against the riverbeds.  Seasons come and go, tides ebb and flow, and memories slowly gets covered by the sediment of daily events.  I know one day a flood will come and wash away the sediment the riverbed dumped, exposing the memories and revealing the scar tissue once again.

After this, what will be left behind?  The memories of what you meant in my life; what impact you had in my life.  The river’s bends and curves will be my blessing and my curse.  Love is strong and trumps everything, yet love lost hurt more than most in life.


Camps Bay Sunset 1

The silence fades as day breaks and the rush of life starts all over again.. I am still curled up in bed, wishing I could live in my own little dream world. I hide my head under the covers trying to avoid the day ahead.

The sun rises and peeps through spaces between the curtains. Unwillingly, I open my eyes. The brightness forces me to squint my eyes to adjust. My body wants to turn around and continue my slumber. My mind on the other hand is drawn to this flaming red fireball. I stand up, drawing the curtains apart.

I witness the most beautiful sunrise. Darkness dashes behind objects as your presence rise from the dust in the distance. Nightfall fades into mere transparent shadows that bows to your presence. The cold and bitter dark night dissipates. Silhouettes metamorphose into vibrant, warm colours. Blurry shapes take form into beautiful pastures.

Flowers awaken and gardens burst into bloom. Birds chirping in celebration of your arrival. Little streams now have beautiful reflections of its surroundings. Suddenly, the dreams I fought to keep alive, is not relevant anymore. Reality feels surreal that I pinch myself to ensure I am not still dreaming.

I follow your movement and absorb the energy you radiate. I fall in love with the warmth. I cherish the aura. High up in the sky, I follow your gentle dance across the heavens – tracing your path like a never ending sentence. I do not want to miss a moment.

Then I realize your journey takes you to the other side of the horizon. I stretch out to the fullest and try to reach out to you, but you do not turn around. Maybe to you, I am a mere spec, but to me, you are life.

As I am about to fall into despair, I notice a big silver pearl in the skyline. Once again the darkness fails in your presence. Once again I find myself gazing at this miraculous being. Once again, do I find myself not missing a moment – just watching your parade of the diamond filled skies. Never in my life did I think that I will change my view of a murky night to be a Black & White portraiture of beauty. As you slowly pass through, I focus my eyes to where the star arose the day before. The dawning light excites me, awaiting another day of amazement.

However, clouds rolled in from all sides. It covers you completely. I am aware of your existence, even though the misty barrier prevents to experience your warmth. The whole day I pray, but to no avail. These barriers are not moving.

I returned to my dwelling… shattered and in disbelieve. How can time fly by so fast? All I have left is this candle cradled in my hands. The only memory I have of what is above. I cannot recreate you. I cannot mimic your powers. I cannot pretend not to miss those moments. How quick I realize the cold and bitter darkness of where I find myself. Hope faded like the shadows at your feet. Now, darkness grows in intensity every passing moment.

The dreamlike reality you created seems like lifetimes ago. Dreams are merely a replay of the sunrises and the sunsets, the moonlit landscapes and the life you brought.

I hope. I wish once upon a star. I replay the memories. Alas,it is not the same. Hopefully one day I will see you again and may you shine on me again before my faith perishes.


A Rose On The Prairie.

Posted: August 7, 2013 in Current
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On the cracked mud surface, a seedling found its way to this banished world.  It shot root in these miniscule cracks.  For its small and new existence, the soil and little moist that was left, nourished the little miracle – a rose in the middle of the prairie.

Beyond this however, is a harsh landscape where very little can survive these conditions. Water does not flow here and has been this way for a long time.  The past and the sun depleted the nutrients from the ground.  Only despair and grief thrives here.

Will you grow strong and tall? Or will you wilt away with no trace that you ever existed?  Your survival is very much in doubt. It is a double edged sword: never was your existence epected – even more so that you sprouted and rooted yourself here; but as you grow in body, you need more to survive and flourish.  Will this place and what it has to offer you, be enough for you to become the vibrant blossom you were destined to be?

Night after night, I see shooting stars, giving me ample opportunities to change my wishes, hopes and dreams.  Yet, I always find myself wishing for the same simple thing over and over again: to one day see this rose in full blossom – an oasis of blooming colours and not a mere mirage.

The Piercing Icicle

Posted: September 18, 2012 in Current
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An icicle is a cold, hard spike, different to a rock in that it is transparent.  In life, we all have to face an iceberg sooner or later.  We experience a multitude of emotions – some good; some not so good.  With this, we prioritize certain emotions and feelings according to what works for us.  Yet, sometimes, we ignore the inevitable and that is the thing called “Truth”.  Truth is our iced stalactite in our journey in life.

Truth comes in many forms: it can be in the form of speech, behaviour, emotions or our innocence.  Few understand the weight that truth carries in the lives of others.  Some avoid truth to avoid hurting people in their lives.  There are many theories about truth, but one thing is for certain: truth shouldn’t be tainted.  It can only be transparent.  Be willing to accept truth… even if it is a bitter pill to swallow at times.  The “naked truth” is an amazingly good saying as truth shouldn’t be covered.

Today, I have experienced a truth I was not ready for as I have not experienced it for a long time.  With a single touch, I felt a truth in the form of a sweet kind of innocence that was covered in pain that someone is currently experiencing; a pain that many of us experienced more than once in our lives.

Is touch a medium to transfer pain to make it more bearable for another?  Unconditional love and pure friendship is a truth in its own form.  Carry it around and share it.

To be continued…

A temple of any kind, can be defined as the home of your believes, the guide of your journey and a safe haven of your innocence and purity. A temple is the garden where love and forgiveness blossoms.  It is the kitchen that provides food to the souls.

A lot of us forget that any garden needs some attention to ensure that weeds do not overgrow that flowers you intended to grow.  Love is similar to this.  Love is a great power and with power comes responsibility.  To love someone unconditionally, is not necessarily easy.

Why is it that love can hurt so bad at times?  Is it the fact that with every living moment you experience, you give love to that special someone, yet they do not see it?  Is love hurting so bad because you do not get it in return?

Love should be something you offer that will leave a legacy, long after you have parted this earth, but for this to be possible, your love should be pure. Love should overpower the fear of losing love.  Love is an energy that cannot be destroyed.

I have spoken to a friend, continuously telling her not to stop living because she fears what love and life has in store in her future, yet I have done that for a long time. I have not stopped loving, but I gave my heart to love in a small corner of the garden – unseen and unnoticed, allowing my temple to be tainted, tarnished!

I have an enormous amount of love to give, but it will never be noticed.  Nonetheless, it doesn’t stop me of loving.  It does not make it easier either, but one thing I know for certain is that I have the ability to love with everything I have, and I have survived till now.

If I was to part from here, I know at least that I had the luxury to experience the power of love, even though she will never know.  Do I have any regrets?  None whatsoever!  Does it get any easier? Not even slightly!

Cherish what you have in your life.  Use every moment to tell someone that you love them, and convert words into action!  The simplest of things can make a big difference!

Bruno Mars – Grenade

Posted: December 21, 2010 in Lyrics
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Easy come, easy go
That’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open –
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I’m numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That’s just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you’re a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby…
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no