Posts Tagged ‘Heartache’

Before the end, I was clutching my hands in an attempt not to lose you.  But the firmer I made my grip, the more slipped through my fingers.  Before I knew it, I clutched an empty fist.  In the beginning after the end, I found myself at times wishing I suffered from amnesia, just to hide the pain – just even to pretend that I am not broken.  I have made a grueling attempt to forget you; wash you out of my system, but I have failed.  I realized that I cannot decide when to forget.

As the memories like the grains of sand of time trickle down the hour glass, it is swept away by a raging river.  A river swaying from side to side – eroding the edges and digging deeper – leaving its footprints behind.  It concave from side to side, leaving bigger paths and more visible erosion: shallow wrinkles and deep scars within.

As the rivers’ rage subdue, it leaves the sediment of the sands behind, covering some of the destruction it left behind: hiding some of the damage it has done.  As I look at this waterway, I realize that the memories are embedded much deeper than what I originally anticipated.

I still remember your beautiful eyes that melted my defenses in an instant.  Your eyes penetrated my soul. it awakened some part of me that have died a long, long time ago.  Your eyes were magnets. My focus always shifting from daily activities, to you and your eyes. Those very same eyes often scolded me when I was in the wrong: and that without a single word spoken.

Your beautiful smile could ignite and warm up any atmosphere.  All negatives would be swept away and a person would just appreciate the aura you radiated from within.   Your smile acted as an emotional booster; a ‘fix’; a miracle!  Your smile was addictive! Your smile was magical.

Your gentle touch felt like silky smooth gold-dust on any given day.  My heart still race thinking of it.  Little did you know the powers you held.  You had the powers to make or break all defenses and guarded posts.  You destroyed impenetrable walls like a hot knife through butter.

I miss your voice and your laughter, and I struggle to hold on to these memories.  A whisper from the heavens above that keep you on your toes; making life worthwhile.  As much as I try to replicate the harmony in my mind, I struggle.  The recollection of this, are almost impossible. Eventually, I know it would be lost forever.

These are the sediments that wash up against the riverbeds.  Seasons come and go, tides ebb and flow, and memories slowly gets covered by the sediment of daily events.  I know one day a flood will come and wash away the sediment the riverbed dumped, exposing the memories and revealing the scar tissue once again.

After this, what will be left behind?  The memories of what you meant in my life; what impact you had in my life.  The river’s bends and curves will be my blessing and my curse.  Love is strong and trumps everything, yet love lost hurt more than most in life.

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Camps Bay Sunset 1

The silence fades as day breaks and the rush of life starts all over again.. I am still curled up in bed, wishing I could live in my own little dream world. I hide my head under the covers trying to avoid the day ahead.

The sun rises and peeps through spaces between the curtains. Unwillingly, I open my eyes. The brightness forces me to squint my eyes to adjust. My body wants to turn around and continue my slumber. My mind on the other hand is drawn to this flaming red fireball. I stand up, drawing the curtains apart.

I witness the most beautiful sunrise. Darkness dashes behind objects as your presence rise from the dust in the distance. Nightfall fades into mere transparent shadows that bows to your presence. The cold and bitter dark night dissipates. Silhouettes metamorphose into vibrant, warm colours. Blurry shapes take form into beautiful pastures.

Flowers awaken and gardens burst into bloom. Birds chirping in celebration of your arrival. Little streams now have beautiful reflections of its surroundings. Suddenly, the dreams I fought to keep alive, is not relevant anymore. Reality feels surreal that I pinch myself to ensure I am not still dreaming.

I follow your movement and absorb the energy you radiate. I fall in love with the warmth. I cherish the aura. High up in the sky, I follow your gentle dance across the heavens – tracing your path like a never ending sentence. I do not want to miss a moment.

Then I realize your journey takes you to the other side of the horizon. I stretch out to the fullest and try to reach out to you, but you do not turn around. Maybe to you, I am a mere spec, but to me, you are life.

As I am about to fall into despair, I notice a big silver pearl in the skyline. Once again the darkness fails in your presence. Once again I find myself gazing at this miraculous being. Once again, do I find myself not missing a moment – just watching your parade of the diamond filled skies. Never in my life did I think that I will change my view of a murky night to be a Black & White portraiture of beauty. As you slowly pass through, I focus my eyes to where the star arose the day before. The dawning light excites me, awaiting another day of amazement.

However, clouds rolled in from all sides. It covers you completely. I am aware of your existence, even though the misty barrier prevents to experience your warmth. The whole day I pray, but to no avail. These barriers are not moving.

I returned to my dwelling… shattered and in disbelieve. How can time fly by so fast? All I have left is this candle cradled in my hands. The only memory I have of what is above. I cannot recreate you. I cannot mimic your powers. I cannot pretend not to miss those moments. How quick I realize the cold and bitter darkness of where I find myself. Hope faded like the shadows at your feet. Now, darkness grows in intensity every passing moment.

The dreamlike reality you created seems like lifetimes ago. Dreams are merely a replay of the sunrises and the sunsets, the moonlit landscapes and the life you brought.

I hope. I wish once upon a star. I replay the memories. Alas,it is not the same. Hopefully one day I will see you again and may you shine on me again before my faith perishes.

 

I Bid You Farewell…

Posted: December 12, 2013 in Current
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The last decade or so, I have met the greatest of friends and colleagues.  Some friends I see as family and colleagues became friends… or my business family. People build bonds and experience connections with each other.  Good memories are made.  Building blocks experienced as we grow older. But as times change and people move on, we eventually find ourselves to part ways.

Saying goodbye is not always easy.  Sometimes we have no choice.  But there is always hope of seeing them again. Here I sit with something that empties my heart at a fast pace.  I am saying farewell to colleagues, great friends and even loved ones.  I sit and bid farewell to a very dear friend.  She has been so supportive and even with everything happening in her own life, never judged me.  With her leaving, the empty hole I have, feels worse.  She could not fill this hole, but her comforting words silenced the pain and made the emptiness less evident.

Farewell is definite and irreversible.  It saddens me and drains my soul that in some cases, the farewell is caused by our own hand.  I am bidding farewell to great people tonight.  Some old colleagues, some good friends and some I really grew to love with all my heart.

I will allways cherish the memories made.  I will always remember the little things that meant to world to us.  I will celebrate the time I have shared with you.  Wherever you find yourself dear friend, colleague or loved one, I will never forget you.

I will celebrate your existence and your role in my life.

I know that there are times where I do not wish to say farewell, but many times, those decisions are not ours for the taking.  Sometimes, special people slip out of your hands.  Those are the hardest farewells.  I wish I could fight against those farewells.

However, I am here, with a heavy heart, wishing you all a safe journey; wishing you a great adventure ahead.  Thanking you for being who you are, shaping me for who I will become.

A Rose On The Prairie.

Posted: August 7, 2013 in Current
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On the cracked mud surface, a seedling found its way to this banished world.  It shot root in these miniscule cracks.  For its small and new existence, the soil and little moist that was left, nourished the little miracle – a rose in the middle of the prairie.

Beyond this however, is a harsh landscape where very little can survive these conditions. Water does not flow here and has been this way for a long time.  The past and the sun depleted the nutrients from the ground.  Only despair and grief thrives here.

Will you grow strong and tall? Or will you wilt away with no trace that you ever existed?  Your survival is very much in doubt. It is a double edged sword: never was your existence epected – even more so that you sprouted and rooted yourself here; but as you grow in body, you need more to survive and flourish.  Will this place and what it has to offer you, be enough for you to become the vibrant blossom you were destined to be?

Night after night, I see shooting stars, giving me ample opportunities to change my wishes, hopes and dreams.  Yet, I always find myself wishing for the same simple thing over and over again: to one day see this rose in full blossom – an oasis of blooming colours and not a mere mirage.

The Script – Breakeven

Posted: June 14, 2012 in Lyrics
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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days were some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
One still in love while the other one’s leaving
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I’m glad you’re okay)
I’m falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons license.

Bruno Mars – Grenade

Posted: December 21, 2010 in Lyrics
Tags: , , ,

Easy come, easy go
That’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open –
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I’m numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That’s just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had


And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you’re a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby…
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no