Silhouette Of Life

Posted: May 25, 2010 in Current

I had a day or two of an extreme high, to where I experience an extreme low.  I will explain…

I am in a weird mood.  I gave someone the opportunity to ask me anything and I will not answer it with questions or bypass the topic.  And I did answer the specific questions asked.

Then I asked myself those same questions and compared the answers that I gave to the person to what my answers to myself was.  I was pretty straight forward with my answers.  In general I was happy with it all.  Even though I knew that such brutal honesty can create a barrier (which I think it did).

It was a good experience though.  In fact the specific day was so good, that it is extremely difficult / impossible to explain in full.

How can I describe the day…  It felt like my actual spine had Goosebumps.  The sensation created this feeling as if my spine made 360º twists and turns.  The body experienced something that cannot be replicated. I felt vulnerable but calm at the same time.  It felt like my spine was injected with candyfloss – fluffy, sweet chaos, and you don’t feel the weight of it; you just want more.

Then I made the big mistake.

In an instance did everything change.  I feel empty inside.  I am disappointed in myself.  I betrayed myself.  This claw ripped out everything that I enjoyed during the day.  Just when I thought I can turn my life around, I go and stuff that up.

More depressing thought today.  I have lost a friend today that I met on the internet a few years back.  With everything he accomplished in a very short space of time, it is just amazing what an inspiration he was to his friends.  There is not really words to describe the feeling.

This tragedy made me realize something.  To lose someone because the move or because of arguments is not worthwhile.  Losing someone to death is final.  Now I want to restore one or two friendships that I truly care about and spend more time with the people I love.

It is hard to make such adjustments in life though.  I have been so emotionless and heartless for such a long time that it is really difficult to express feelings anymore.  I am going to try my best though.  If I will get it right is a totally different story.


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