Rainfall From The Heart

Posted: May 25, 2010 in Current
Tags: , ,

The heavens gently opened tonight and a soft drizzle cover the neighbourhood.  I listened as the raindrops fell on the leaves.  I smell the aroma of fresh air and moist flowers created a tingling sensation.  You can actually even feel the moisture in the air like in invisible towel covering you.

Then I realised that I experience more than just a cycle of nature.

As I experience an act of God – a little miracle we so neglect – I wondered why I feel what I feel tonight.  Just imagine every raindrop falling to earth: each one is unique, whether it is formed by gravitation, friction, volume or even the speed that it is travelling to earth.  Tonight, each raindrop feels like an emotion I experience.

The small and fast moving raindrops I compare to happiness, joy, laughter and things you tend to forget the following day.  These drops touch the earth and disappear leaving only a little discoloured patch for a little while.  The heavy, powerful raindrops is like pain, sorrow, passion and heartache.  These raindrops creates puddles, fill rivers and flood roads.

My heart opened up and the downpour came down.

My heart opened up just like the heavens… there was no holding back.  But not all love the rain; not all enjoy everything about the rains.  Some prefer the rain when it suits them… and so is a lot of people in my life.  Some are scared to get wet.

A drawn curtain of clouds cover my surroundings with darkness and unknown silhouettes.  It hinder me to see the skies where I normally find my hope and where I am reminded there is something much  greater out there.  If you don’t experience faith,  is it replaced with fear?  And is fear not just another form of uncertainty?

It is early in the morning and I am still writing on the same entry.  As things are now, I am questioning everything and everyone. And I am worried.  It feels like I became the one thing that I probably hate the most in my life – pretence!  I have become a monster.  I had to make decisions lately that is devouring my mind, my soul and my heart.  I oppress my heart, I restrain my mind and I am losing my soul.  How long it will take before I crack I am not sure.  But I am certain of one thing already.  I am losing control.

One of the decisions was to hold on to something that is very, very close to my heart and I cherish it dearly even though I know in my heart that I needed to let go before I fall to pieces.  This decision is consuming the positive outlook that I tried to brew within myself.

I tried to believe in the words; I tried to grasp the reasoning, but I know somehow that this will get me burnt real soon again.

I hoped… but it faded.  I wished… but it was delusional.  I wanted to pray, but I assumed I knew the answer already.  Is there an easy way out?  I have an idea or two, but the little bit of faith I have, prevents me from going this route.

The current situation I find myself in, I am scared.  I am filled with fear of disappointment – to others and in myself.

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