Posted: May 25, 2010 in Current

After the amazing high I experienced a few days ago, I sit with the thought of the moment that ended and only reflects as a memory now.

A gorgeous smile visible around the lips and eyes faded; the eyes filled with emotional tears; the distance grew; the rhythmic heart and soul lost its beat; the fire within mystically disappeared.

In an instance, the days evolved from Spring to the middle of winter.

I am lost.  I hear words that I do not understand, hope grew but I don’t make assumptions.  The meaning of every word is lost but not forgotten… it just haunts like a shadow and a dark and creepy environment.  It is eating me alive.

One moment I saw beauty, joy and peace.  Now I see pain, distance and emptiness.  I try to comfort and assist, but her energy pushed me away.  My intentions were pure, but rejected.

I have failed.  Will I try again?  Will I realise when to stop?  Can I stop fooling myself?

Does the subconscious mind’s behaviour overrule a conscious answer or action?  I opened my arms as wide as I could, exposing my heart and soul, but to no avail.  I have tried once; I have tried twice; I have tried on numerous occasions.  Always the same outcome.  Every time when I made the choice to expose my whole being to someone I care about, it feels like a little bit is taken from me that I cannot get back.  I cannot give wealth, I cannot give a lot.  All I can give is myself and everything inside me.  But with every moment I launch myself, parts of me are taken and removed.  Each piece that is taken leaves an empty space – darkness’ home where something was.

Friendship is easily manipulated, and easily taken for granted. Family is always cursed upon, yet they the pillars keeping you upright.  Love is always painful, yet we hunger for more.  Hope is always there, just barely noticed.  Words are so easily said, yet the power of every word can destroy, and it can heal.


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