Found And Lost

Posted: May 25, 2010 in Current
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No, not lost and found.  I really mean found and lost!  I have found something to live for.  I have found something that could fill my heart.  I made changes in my life which I thought was for the best.  I opened up to people.  I exposed my heart and soul.  I exposed my weaknesses and passions. I opened my arms to show I have no fear.  But alas, it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

One moment I am told that I must open up to people, and when I do, I get told that I should keep some things inside.  If you break down a wall, you don’t leave a door and its structure to obstruct a view.  If you demolish something, you remove it completely.

As I slowly took down the barriers that I have created over years, I hoped and prayed it will be for the better.  But after the last few events, I realised that I was just fooling myself.  I even made a fool out of myself.  People are not ready to know me, and I don’t think I am ready anymore for them to get to know me.

Yes, when someone gets close to me, I give it my utter best, not just a 100%.  But what if a 100% is not good enough, yet too much for someone else to handle?  And this is not just in relationships.  I mean with anything!  Love, faith, relationships, friendships, etc.

I have lost the passion.  I have lost the warm fuzzy feeling inside.  Honey was overflowing my heart and it felt great.  But acid made the honey bitter and it is consuming me inside.  My passion and heart-warming emotions dissipated and faded to a mere memory.

I feel empty inside and for once I can admit.  It really hurts.  I miss that feeling.  I miss everything about it.  Thinking constantly on what I am missing, makes it even worse.  Memories plague my mind on what I have lost.

Will I allow someone close to me again?  I don’t know.  Will I ever love again?  I am not sure.  The last few weeks has been hard.  And I am trying to cope.  But I am slipping and losing control.  It is difficult to subjugate something as powerful as no-nonsense, no strings attached feelings like love, respect, and appreciation.

Internal turmoil as you bite your tongue not to say a word.  Your heart lash out at your mind for the oppression. Your mind… consequently losing it.  The recipe for a pot of confusion and internal conflict.

I want to run and hide, but I know that no matter where I go, my mind with all this chaos, will be with me.  Every time I open my eyes, I hope the nightmare is gone, just to realise when I open my eyes, that I am still living the nightmarish delusion.

WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get!  Yes, when I open up to people, I am straight forward.  I say what I feel.  But seems like I scare the people in my life when I tell them what is on my heart.  And then all the excuses starts.  Do I really have true friends?  …friends that can accept what others are feeling, thinking and experiencing?

I question everyone in my life now.  From an acquaintance to a friend of 20 years.  Why are we friends?  What made us friends?  Why should we stay friends?  I even question my family from now on.  Do I question the ones I still truly love?  Yes I do!  It is after all the ones you love that matter the most in your life and in your decisions during your life.

The disheartening fact looms when you realise that you will never get the honest and proper answers to the questions you ask.  People answer in a way to save face; not to hurt, and to ensure they don’t face with that same question again.  Majority of people are fake.  If you ever find one that does not fake about the things in life, hold on to them.  Some of us will never have that chance to experience such a person’s character.  Make sure you tell them how you appreciate them.  Ensure you SHOW them your gratitude.  Do not let a day go pass without acknowledging their importance in your life.

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