Funaholics to DoggieHoliX

Posted: May 22, 2010 in Prior to 2006

Introduction: My name is irrelevant as this was originally started and written not for other people to read.  It was just put down on a document just to act as a release valve for myself. It is very weird for me to admit that I started writing something like this.  This is neither a diary nor actual memoirs.  It is more like memories, ideas and thoughts that I have in the early times of the mornings when I have a little case of insomniac invasion.

Initially, this document was not written for others to read, but a few friends requested that I post this on a blog.  And to be honest, it is almost certainly just fair that I share this with my friends.  If they are true friends, they deserve to know everything about me.

There is not really much of a structure to this document, but I will add an ‘Index’ word in front of each entry. As I mentioned before, this is not a diary, so do not expect timestamps anywhere.  The only time I make exceptions to this rule, is when the date is of importance.  Furthermore, as this was written not originally written for others to read, but when I am about to break a promise I made myself, I want to have something to remind me of that promise.  In other words, screw the spelling, format and grammar.  It might sound melodramatic, but I do not care how it sounds.  I know why I do this.

Another thing I would like to mention… here is no chronological order.  It is thoughts in my mind and my mind sure as hell is not chronological so I will make entries here according to the thoughts on my mind on that instance.

Furthermore, you will not see me mentioning any names.  The reason is that if it happens that someone should read this, then at least I know their privacy is still intact.  Moreover, I know I will say things in this little weird and whacky document of mine that will scare people off or even offend people I know.

Yes! Scare people off.  In this document, I am open… and yes I meant open.  I know I do not open up to people, but since this is not really a person, just a screen on a computer, it is easier to open up.

In a nutshell: This is me… just me.  This is the only place where I feel safe.  I might mention feelings, opinions and other stuff friends should not know or would prefer to hear… and I know myself, I play with words and that by itself cost me a few valuable friends and relationships.  Not to mention that I am quite a difficult person to understand and misunderstandings will be my downfall.

I have a lot of issues I know 🙂

PS.  When there is a song that has been released while I make an entry, I will try to add the Artist and Title.

Love: Funny how I feel about love.  I believe it exists, but I question any aspect of it.  The famous ‘w’-questions (What? When? Why? Would’ve… Should’ve) scrambles like a storming whirlpool of thoughts, opinions and stuff through my head.

To say I had my fair share of bad luck and so on with this thing called ‘love’ will be an understatement.  Did I ever have a first love?  Did I ever have love in my life?  Did I ever have true love in my life?  I was in a relationship for a few years, and I thought it was the love of my life.  Only later on when I started to question everything, I realised that I was probably just used as a scapegoat for the lady to get out of her parent’s house.  Don’t get me wrong at all.  I don’t blame her.  Her family didn’t do much for her… and I was the catalyst for growing hatred.  And yes, I am ashamed of it when I think about all this.

I did love her at that stage though.  People asked me on various occasions if I would’ve taken her back is she returned on my doorstep and I always said ‘without a doubt’, but I don’t think so anymore.  I think I know by now I was played the fool.  Serves me right though.  I really didn’t treat her as a gentleman should treat a lady; whether love is involved or not!  This is where I can go on for hours with the famous ‘I should’ve’-speech.  I should’ve treated her better… I should’ve paid more attention to her… I should’ve… I should’ve…


One thing I learnt though… no matter where you find yourself, but where you meet a person, that person is bound to be part of a lesson in our school of life.  Whether the lesson is painful or cheerful.  Either way, if you not a real dumb ass like I can be sometimes, then a lesson will be learned.

What did I learn from all this? Quite a great deal: Firstly, I realised how quick you get attached… and more likely used to someone that shares everything with you.  Problem with this… if you not careful, you tend to take that person for granted.  But in my opinion, I think the biggest lesson I learnt with that break-up is that now I cherish the people in my life for who they are and what they mean to me.

Trust: I think I have a problem with trust.  I tend to trust people way too easily.  This is a winning recipe for pain, heartache, and egos ripped to pieces.  It is like giving a person the benefit of the doubt until you get proven wrong.  And believe me; I get proven wrong a lot.  I did try until now not to trust that easily no more, but it is very hard for me to do… I know what it feels like not to be trusted.  That is probably partly reason why I trust people so easy.  All I know is I must change.  Question is… Will I be able to change that…ever?  And with that, a lot of confusion sets into my mind.

Memories: I have met a lot of people while I stayed in the countryside (Middelburg, Mpumalanga, ZA).  The quantity is much greater than the amount I met while I stayed in Pretoria.  What is the reason for this?  The famous (and maybe infamous) and very controversial IRC (Internet Relay chat) will be the answer to that.  I have no regrets though.  I have met people across the global ball of humankind.  All shapes, sizes and cultures.  And in general I am not disappointed.  I had the opportunity to meet some of the sweetest people from all walks of life.  But you do get the odd one out.

Some of the best memories I have, is my few trips to the friendly city of Port Elizabeth (Eastern Cape, ZA).  I met up with quite a number of people there.  They are friends I love to bits.  One specific lady jumps to mind.  I met her in Port Elizabeth, but moved to Johannesburg a while back.  I care a great deal for her and I have a lot of respect for her.  She is confined to a wheelchair, and yet… with the awkward hand life dealt her, she keeps smiling and she is a spontaneous and amazing person.  I have a little guilty conscience blazing away in me, and when I think of her, it just adds lighter fluid to it.

Why? Well, this lady is very petit and small and we always said when we see each other we will hug each other to death.  The problem is that I am so scared I hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable.  However, I think the biggest reason is that I am scared I hurt her.

The other Port Elizabeth people are just as friendly as she is.  I stayed at one friend a few times.  Strictly friends, and yet so close.  We are like brother and sister.  We are probably closer than what me and my own sister.  Great memories were created with this lady.  These memories will walk side by side with me for the rest of my life.  This ‘sister’ of mine is quite a tall lady; always smiling; always a caring heart.  One lady I really love and yet no attraction to be more than friends – not because I don’t like her, but because I cannot afford to lose her as a friend.  Her mother is awesome.  Still young at heart and she is very much like my ‘coastal’-mother. She is really a sweet lady that is always cheerful and positive, no matter how hard life throws lemons at her.  The first day when I met her, I learnt that if life is all uphill, a smile makes the trip worthwhile.

I try to keep smiling, but it is hard to.  I am a memory-ridden freak.  Facial muscles are exercised; I can put a smile on my face, but with the bitter heart I have, it is not filled with the warmth a smile should be filled with.

Pretence: Pretence is one of the things I hate the most in life and what do I do?  I *swear* fake a smile.  Contradiction galore! I thought of this quite a lot and I came to the following conclusion.  Maybe this is the reason why I love it when people smile; for now it is the closest I will have to that warm feeling of a smile.  I love it when people look happy; I love it when they laugh with enthusiasm – when they tremble like a Chevrolet V8 with two dead pistons just because they have the giggles.  ‘Laughter is the best medicine’ and in my opinion, that is one of them few sayings that are really powerful and true.

Smile: Funny how someone, even a stranger’s smile can do so much.  It doesn’t cost you anything and yet… it soothes pain, it heals hurt; it lifts weights off your shoulders; it mends broken hearts and it caresses your inner soul.

Guardian Angels: I don’t know if there are such things as guardian angels as people like to think there are… but then again, who knows?  Maybe God (one Person I really need to get in touch with more often) did send some guardian angels.

My opinion about this however is a bit ‘different’ than what most people think.  In my believe, guardian angels are not in forms people would like to think they are in: the wings; the bright light and stuff…

Who cares about you no matter what time of day or where you find yourself?

Who looks after you when suicide feels like the only cure?

Who lifts your spirits when you feel sad?

Who is the fountain of hope when you think all is lost?

All this is done by something much closer to us than we will ever realize.  It is next to us; in us; surrounding us.  We see it every single day of our lives!  These angels have names, and I do not mean like Gabriel or the likes.

I think the guardian angels are sent in the forms of feelings, emotions and gut feel.  Think about it: what do everyone on this planet need?  What is always with us no matter what or where you find yourself?  Feelings!

One angel’s name is ‘Love’.  There is always someone who loves you.  Love brings forth ‘Hope’; Love is the birth of caring hearts; Love is the uplifting spirit; love is the cure to any disease; Love makes you feel good about yourself; Love gently force a smile on your face.  Show me anyone that will not smile or have happy thoughts when they think of love.

Start looking in the most obvious places for your guardian angel, and remember that angels are amongst us.  An angel can be a person, a gut feeling, an emotion.  Love can heal.  Love can solve.  Love can do the impossible.

Remember that love is the two parts the Ten Commandments consists of: Love thy Saviour, Love they Neighbour.

Care… a powerful feeling/ emotion.  A hug from a caring person means so much more than a kiss (especially because a kiss is mostly filled with hidden agendas).  That same hug can dry up tears because that hug makes you feel better.  Or it can create the tears to stream down, not because of more pain, but because you feel safe to do so.  That hug can make you realise that the person giving you the hug, cares for you unconditionally.  This same hug filled with care almost work hand-in-hand with another guardian angel.  This guardian angel should probably be seen more because it is always there, but we are too uptight to realise it.

The guardian angel called ‘Hope’ is always in the area. Where that caring hug starts, it puts us in the presence of the angel, Hope.  Hope can be a life-changing feeling.  You can lie down to die, or you can crawl to the next stage of life.  Let’s just say Hope is life’s map… it gives you the directions to where you want to go, however it is up to you to get there.

Just like ‘Hope’ is the key to new beginnings; it is the key to open your heart to a person as well.  Why do I say that?   Because if there is no hope in your life, you will not see any future and you will not strife for everything better in your future.  If you see a future with someone (friend or spouse), there is hope, and why stand outside a locked door when you have the key to open and enter?

Trust: ‘Hope’ and ‘Trust’ are so closely related. Almost can call them twins.  Trust is the foundation I build my life on; some great architects, but I have not always been the greatest of builders.  Here and there, I need to demolish pieces and start all over again.  Have I lost it?  I will answer this question later on due to obvious reasons.  What I am trying to say is that some I trust too easily and it cost me dearly.  So my construction is not solid enough as I would prefer it to be.  Nevertheless, trust is great for building your life on, especially when you have the right building materials and architects.

I just realised what trust means to me.  If there is any doubt of trust, I will end a friendship or make an end of a relationship.  Question is: Is there anyone worth trusting?  Is there anyone that knows when to trust someone?

I have this ‘raging’ storm of disappointment that fills my mind these past few days.  Why?  Because someone proved that they do not trust me.

Pain: Well, this same lady that have troubles to trust me (and I do not mean to diss her or anything), said that ‘I love pain’, ‘I live for pain’ – physical and mental.  I disagree with that.  However, everywhere I go, I am on the receiving end of it, or dishing it out.  It makes me wonder if the truth lies in what she said.  Even if I ‘love’ pain, I am fed up with it.  Sort of had enough of it to last me a lifetime and beyond. I am tired causing pain and just the same with receiving it.

Friendship: Today I got a SMS from a very dear friend.  If there were lessons to be learned, it was with this lady.

Crash Course: She was involved with someone that made the same mistake I made in the past – he didn’t appreciate her.  I stuck my nose into their business and *swearing* everything… for them and my friendship with them.

When I broke up with my almost 5-year relationship, I thought that I lost hers as well since I screwed around with their lives… I had this idea because this friend and my girlfriend-at-that-stage were good friends.

Quite to my surprise, but I was proven wrong.  Firstly, she taught me what true friendship is.  No matter how bad the things I did in the past, she stood by me.  She never judged me.  She forgave me.  She taught me how to forgive. She taught me how to love (and I mean the innocent way).  She taught me what it means to be blessed with miracles in your life.  She is truly a miracle, an angel.

I mentioned to her that she probably broke a mirror seven years ago and that she was about to call it quits.  She thought I was joking.  I didn’t mean it as a joke.  From the first moment I met her, I was nothing but bad luck to her… and even with all that, she stood by me.

That is what they call ‘unconditional friendship’.  I really owe her a lot – if not my life.  I would’ve called it quits myself if she weren’t there for me.

And just for the record; this miracle comes in VERY nice packaging.  She is gorgeous – I just wish she realise it soon!

In the year 2003, I lost more friendships than the accumulated totals in my whole life.  That is where a person asks ‘What is wrong with me?’.  The problem with that question is that I don’t think 1 024 gigabyte of RAM will be enough and to be frank, I would not even know where to start.  I have many, many issues, but these issues seem to save me a lot of pain… not all, but some at least.

I always wanted to move back from Middelburg to Pretoria. My reasoning: a) the girlfriend at that stage, friends, and family. b) Studies and that type of things and c) obviously the nightlife!

I am back in Pretoria (Gauteng ZA) and it is not what I had in mind.

Family life is not what it used to be.  Lots of fights about the smallest, least important stuff.  I try to keep all my emotions, feelings and anger to myself and keep my mouth shut, but lately it gets to me.  I really need to part from all this.

I just don’t get it.  People say when you were involved in a relationship, and when the relationship fails, you cannot be friends.  I can’t see why this is not possible and on various occasions, I proved this theory wrong as well.  One ex-girlfriend I had was a good example.  We were involved for a few months but the long distance relationship couldn’t handle the strain.  Even after the break up, we still are good friends.  I know it takes some effort to revert back to friendship from a relationship, but it IS possible.

What I hate though… When these friends get involved with someone, they disappear from the face of the earth and only contact you when there are problems in paradise.  Does this mean my friendship only mean something until something better comes along?  Have I been another scapegoat?  Just a fool until I served my purpose?

Don’t get me wrong. I want her to be happy.  She is amazing.  I just wish the friendships lasted longer.

Happiness: I feel so helpless.  I am tired of thinking.  I am tired of being confused.  I am tired to pretend that I am this happy chappy person when I brew a storm inside my mind.  Passion – emotion – rage – fear, my little abstract in my mind.

Is true happiness possible?  Is happiness like forgiveness?  Everyone say you can forgive and forget, but as soon as there is an argument, it gets used as ammunition for the sole purpose to get the upper hand in the argument.  Is true happiness the same?  Is it a cliché we believe to makes us feel better?  Is it a thumb-sucked answer to make someone feel better?  Is it a fairytale? On the other hand… is it just plane ol’ bullshit?

I would like to believe there is true happiness, an immortal happiness, a pure happiness…but I am more likely to wake up and smell the coffee.  I hope that will happen before I bump my head again.

Opinionated: Well, well, well… earlier today I was told a joke. It was pretty lame, and old.  I was in a stirring mood so I decided to respond and I asked for an explanation (trying to rattle the sender’s mind)

Expecting just a laugh, I got this detailed explanation.  Am I so dumb that *swearing* people see me as it as well?  Lately I sense I should go back to my old ways of thinking.  I was more realistic and since less people speak to me, the lesser people think I am pathetic and stupid.  I am not saying I am a clever Joe or something, but for goodness sake, I am not so *swearing*stupid not to understand a lame joke.  Yes, I feel agitated; I feel my muscles tensing up.

I need to get away… far way.

Friends / Family: Shame, I feel sorry for my mother.  We had quite a bad patch in our lives.  I was on my own mission.  A rebel – a typical teenager.  Wanted my way and only my way.  Now after some quite some time, I realised I have a fantastically wicked mother.  She had a hard life, and yet she is cool with my friends, always fun and always willing to help AND she is a straight shooter!   I met this lady while studying at some college.  Quite a clever lady and a lot of fun to be with.

Lovely smile to say the least.

My little mother picks up the smallest details.  She met this lady and after she left our place, my mother said that my friend looks very good in a hipster.  Trust me when I tell you ‘my mother does not like hipsters’. So this compliment is a compliment for keeps.

Ok, my mother got to meet this lady a few times and I think my mother took a liking of her.  I do not the reasons why.  Whether it is because this lady is spontaneous or if it is because she is clever and smart or something.  And I think my mother approves of this lady’s friendship with me.  Whatever the reasons may be, if this lady ever realised it, she should know how good looking she is.

What is my opinion about this lady?  I wish this lady the very best.  She deserves it.  I just want her to smile.  I suppose that is why I give her so much hell.  I don’t know how to make people smile anymore, so I give her hell.  It makes her smile at least.  I probably am going about it the wrong way.

Furthermore, I hope the guy she is interested in, notice it and give his heart to her.  I doubt he will ever regret it.  I think she gave her heart to him already.  They can’t go wrong.

I got a nice surprise earlier today.  A lady (tannie – but she will smack me if she hears I call her that) said later next week we will go for a coffee.  This lady’s got a great heart!  One of the people I met via IRC (Internet Relay Chat) who enriched my life greatly.  Argh, I wish I could take someone with, just to prove to people that some on the internet is not all bad.

I am looking forward to it.

Untitled: It is one of those nights again… I can’t sleep.  I really hate this; it is starting to become a habit.  Well, I actually sat down in front of the PC to see if I can finish my poem, but as I sat down, I went blank.  I really must finish it as it has been taking ages already.  I wrote something like three poems, all done when I couldn’t sleep, and when something happened in my life.  Maybe I must paste them here as well.


Don’t know about it yet.  I will see how I feel when I see this blog again.

Selfish: Well, I am supposed to be sleeping, but my mind is running around again.  I realised that I have been selfish.  Maybe I should move away from where I am now.  I know too many people this side.  What has being selfish got to do with this?

Well, to be frank:  If people don’t smile, I nag, nag and bug them until they smile.  What the *swearing* was I thinking?  If the person doesn’t want to smile, it is that person’s decision / choice.  It is not for me to decide for them to smile or not.

But like the saying goes ‘too little, too late’.  Earlier today, I lost a very dear friend of mine.  Serves me right.  I think I should just be by myself.  That way I will save people a lot of time and frustration.  I wish that friend could read my mind right now, because it will say that I am sorry.

Pessimistic: Pessimistic way of looking at a ring… Lovers say: ‘No beginning, no end’.  I say… It is empty inside.

Friends VS Family: Tonight, I really miss the good ol’ times when I was DoggieHoliX or DubberRuck or |-|appy|-|oli><.  I had a lot of fun.  I fooled around with Dumbest^Schmuck and S2PidHoliX as well, cause I knew it made people smile – even laugh.  Other nicks… hmmm there was the very first original nick, funaholix.  I had a whole range of nicks… and I still do.  One I use to idle online is Offline.  The nickname I use to observe what people have to say in their conversations is I-R-C-Ing-Things.

I really miss those days.  I miss the people I met.  I miss the long hours of conversation with them.  I miss the meetings / parties we had – not to mention the innocent flirts.  I think it will be safe to say that that was the best time in my life.  Maybe it will be more accurate if I said the best phase in my life up to this point in time.  If I could do it all over, I will not change most things, except for one.  I would have made sure the ol’ regulars never leave. *sigh* Some of them I semi-worship more than family.  Probably because they stood by me more than any family could.  Hell, halve of my family didn’t even know I stayed in Middelburg.  And then some don’t even know I moved back!  This is not even going into details like calling me ‘Freddy’ when I NEVER had a name like that!

Let me shut up as I am not really thinking constructively today.

Assumptions: I woke up with something on my mind, and then I read what I have typed above.  That completely threw me off and I totally forgot what I wanted to type here.  Nonetheless, I am awake now and I might as well make an effort to type something here.  There is nothing better to do in any case.

The thought that comes to my mind is what meaning my nickname, ‘DoggieHoliX’, bring to people’s minds.  No one bother to ask; they just assume.  And we all know the famous saying ‘Assumption is the mother of all *swearing*!’  Does anyone ever take this saying to heart, because it seems like we all make ourselves guilty of neglecting the meaning of this saying.  The only time when we care to consider the meaning of this saying is when somebody made a wrong assumption where it concerns us.

What I am trying to say?  Is it my face or my attitude or my behaviour that make people assume that?  Do I look that shallow?   Is there just one meaning people see in me?

Argh, who the hell cares anymore?

Long in Distance: Here I sit again… same ol’ same ol’.  If you had to pinpoint a weakness or problem in your life, what will it be?  Sit down, close your eyes, block everything out of your life, and then answer this simple question to yourself.  Not that simple is it?  Is it a bit more complicated than originally thought?  It is easy to give a list, but when you have to mention only one, then it gets harder.

I think one of my biggest problems or flaws I have, is that I have difficulty to let people close to me.  Thanks to all the pain I experienced in my past, I think I am afraid of getting hurt again – friends or loved ones.  This week alone I pushed away three of my closest friends.  Some were the best under the sun.  I will not beg to salvage the friendship, as I know they are likely to be better off: fewer complications in their lives.  I just wish I knew how to overcome this.  There are really amazing people in my life.  The way I act or react with them might give them the wrong impressions.

If I keep this up, I will not have much left.  I know I need help, but I don’t know where to look.   If I had all the answers to my endless amount of questions, wouldn’t that be something?

Memories: It is a few minutes after three o’clock in the morning and I am still awake.  I looked at the photos I have of some of the IRC parties I attended.  I miss some of those people.  A best friend that moved overseas and probably more insane than me (if possible); the lady that took care of me and looked after me when I was not just drunk, but sick as hell too.  I owe her so much.  And one day – I just hope it won’t be too late – I want to apologise and thank her; an old school friend.  They say don’t get stuck in the past, but what is memories then?  Memories are not in the future, it is the clay that shaped you.  Memories are the only thing I have left.

It is difficult to explain… it just is.

Love: Hmm, I am thinking again while I was supposed to be sleeping.  What am I thinking about this time?  A Cactus!

Love, and probably a lot of other feelings and emotions, can be compared to a cactus.  It must be simple.  We, as humans, make it a lot more complicated than what it needs to be of course. It must be so strong to withstand difficult situations / conditions like droughts, floods / stress etc).  Yet inside it must be able to sustain.  What do you doing survival when you in a desert and need water?  You extract the juices from a cactus!  Isn’t love the same?  Doesn’t love carry us when we are unable to walk?

There is one problem however, thorns are bound to inflict pain if you are not careful and treat it with respect.

You will get pricked a few times, but you learn from your mistakes.  In our lives, these thorns may mean that once you love someone and they filled your heart, you will protect your love any way you can.

*rolls on the floor laughing my ass off* Yes this is coming from a guy that is single and probably will stay single for a long time still.

Song: Alanis Morisette – Ironic.

Oh well, it was a nice thought in my opinion.

Love (continued): Do we really know what love is?

I know this will probably contradict everything I said in the previous paragraph, but I had a lot of time to think again.  This is why I added this even before I went to bed.  Where does a friendship (love) stop and a relationship (love) start?

Does anyone know the answer to that?  Don’t answer this in the theoretically correct and nice-to-hear answers!  Answer this in actions!  I want to know and discover the truth.  We use the tongue to lie, deceit, steal and hurt.  So I do not want the answer by the tongue, but the answer as per a way of life.

Do we know what love is?

Sure, everyone will answer with a undoubtedly ‘Yes’, but the way I see it:  true love is when the tree drops its leaves to the ground (most of the humankind hate this sight and take it for granted but then, did any of these same people think that maybe the leaves falls to the ground to keep the moisture in the ground and form a blanket to avoid frost harming the roots?).  That I see as true love!  Some people see love as getting laid; some see it as not to get old all alone.

Do we know what love is?

In my honest opinion I don’t think that we know how to love anymore.

I am not very religious even if I call myself a Christian, but I wondered… the Ten Commandments are like a law to live by.  Libraries are filled with bundles and bundles of laws created by men, are there and everyone should abide to them.  The Ten Commandments is only ten simple rules… divided into two sections but only one word summarizes these ten rules to live by.

That word is simply: ‘Love’

Guess what?  We can’t even abide to ONE rule! This one simple concept and we all fail terribly with it! But no, mankind want millions of laws and bylaws and it never ends!  Are we just stupid or do we like to complicate everything for ourselves?

Do we absolutely know, without a doubt, what love is?

Yes.  I might sound completely confused.  The fact is: I might as well be.  Do you blame me?

When we have a hard time, immediately we kneel to pray.  We shed a tear to receive sympathy, while the tear is there because we feel sorry for ourselves.  When things are going according to plan or even better, then it is all about our own doing, and our own doing alone.  No one helped us.  We didn’t need help.  We are so wrong!

As a Christian, we should a) Love thy Saviour and b) Love thy neighbour.

Is love a part-time thing?  Is love a thing used to fix, and then forgotten when not needed?  Why doesn’t that make any sense to me?

Do we know what love is?

Untitled: Well, after that ‘can’t-keep-my-mouth-shut session’, I had a good rest.  And guess what? I am in a really lovable mood. *laugh my ass off*

So weird!  Enjoy it while it last I suppose.  I think I need more sleep.  Still very tired.  I slept well, just very little; if that makes any sense at all.  I wonder what the next topic I will ponder about and enter here.


It is just after midnight again, and my mind is bombarded with thoughts.  I will not go into details though.  Maybe some things are better left unsaid.  All I can say is it is a whole lot of pain tonight.  A pain that leaves the outer muscles of the upper arms numb and sore.  That is the pain in my heart I feel tonight.  Tomorrow I will feel better or not think about this.  Life goes one; life does not wait; life…

Poems: I found the poems eventually. Some of them in any case.

Heaven on Earth

Wind sailing on the sea of Hate

Winds were blocked with walls of Fear

Never again, I want someone near

Stuck here forever I thought my fate

Though I know it is wrong to hate

My crew called Rookie Temper

And Skipper How-I-Treat-Her

Didn’t look what is ahead

But had an argument with Mr. Argument instead.

The storm called Lies grew stronger ahead

Fearsome waves of Name-Calling and Deceit

Threw supplies of friends and love overboard

Rains of Bitterness poured over my head

Then I realised my endless defeat

My heart’s sails torn with a rusted sword

All alone I look upon the open seas

Revenge ride my mind like parasite fleas

Luckily conscience got me rid of these

Yet, bitter I look upon Hate’s endless seas


A cool, calm heavenly breeze

Broke my heart’s walls with pretty ease

She filled my sails with winds as she took my hand

And lead me to this magical land

A sweet mist of appreciation, care and calmness

Made the stormy sea’s hatred all harmless

The beaches of this heaven have a welcoming look

It caught my mind like a fish on a hook

To the source of this magical island I was drawn

So I walked in deeper as excited as a newly born

Smiles are in full blossom all around

Surrounded by soft caring and precious ground

The river of Joy concave zigzag from deep underneath

Too wonderful to even start to believe

Faith and Hope this river is filled with

All, as unbelievable and powerful as a myth

An oasis of friendship to my left-hand side

A horizon of perfection to my right

A galaxy filled with stars of love

Watch over the island and sea from above

All so wonderful, from my eyes none will hide

Still have to find this source in all its might

This path I walk – surrounded by the Trees of Trust

The air so pure for more I lust

Close I must be I surely must

For here isn’t even a puff of dust

All happens with a reason and cause

And through that I have found this source

The river, horizon, the air and trees

The island and everything on it surely is

One and the same as the source

All in harmony with no external force

I have found it in all its glory

And this is not just a story

This perfect source I am referring to

Are you my angel, only you!

That was one of the poems I have written.  Written after a bitter break up and on rebound this lady picked me up.  Another one I wrote in a short space of time follows:

At first sight

It was a dark night in a lonely street

Very similar to the life I had

When I saw this star so sweet

From the seat where I was at.

Was it a smudge on the windscreen of the car?

Did my eyes play me to be a fool?

Like my heart was played before so cruel?

Or was it the heavenly bright Morningstar?

My view was magical

My thoughts mystical

And I say with sincerity

You looked so heavenly

You were a sight I have never seen before

Someone so heavenly to adore

You, my little Morningstar

Brightened my future’s path so far

The end is not close to be seen

Which I thought is where I have been

Your voice is a pure whisper of gold

Where sincerity and perfection unfold

Heaven has two windows in your eyes

This heart, of happiness only, cries

Because of the fact

Heaven is still in tact

Love is thee most powerful tool

In life’s everyday school

Homework on a regular basis in life

Mine is to make you part of my life

Wealth, fame, money put in little jars

Are few of life’s little scars.

The magic and treasure I have found in you

I will keep and respect because it is true.

In a luxury coach I travel through life

With the light so bright it cuts like a knife

All because of you right by my side

No fear or reason to hide

Now that I read these poems… I think I should try to write shorter poems.  These poems look like essays!

Pure Love

I love you like I have never loved anyone before

My heart is powered by my feelings for you

My eyes have seen perfection in you

Thinking of these little things, I miss you more

Your aroma is a heavenly scent

All my feelings for you is purely meant

Words to describe my love for you

Is inadequate to prove to you

How much I really love you

Please don’t tell me we drift apart

Cause that idea will break my heart

Emotionally I am dependant on you

Like a fetes in a woman’s womb

With the biggest pride I can say

That I gave my little heart away

And where heart created the hole

I don’t care cause the thoughts of you filled my soul

This, my lady, you must believe

Love, respect, trust and friendship

A helping hand, a listening ear

A loving heart, a caring soul

And an eternal companionship

Someone who will always be near

In life I have a precious goal

I present to you my life in whole

This last poem I wrote I wrote the 1 October 2001.  The other poems I have written between 2000 and 2002.  Never again since then, did I try to write a poem again.  I tried once after that.  My inspiration was that I knew what I wanted to say and in which way I wanted to say it, but I just didn’t know how to put it to words (how to formulate the wording and make it readable).

Studies: Well, some time has passed since I last added anything here.  The studies kept my mind occupied and that keeps me from this.  It was probably the best.  Yes… I am studying!  Some lady got my focus back on my studies again!  Don’t ask me how, because even I don’t know that damn answer.

Well, studies are good I suppose, until I forget everything again.  Funny how you forget stuff you learn but not the stuff of your past.

Parting: I wanted to part from this piece of yard… tonight I ask myself what will be different on the flip side.  I meet people; they get close; they part; then I am where I am now.  Argh, I just need a break from this!  I just want a holiday with someone where I can be myself and smile for real.

With that, I ponder if I must stop looking for love; be a bachelor, since I always fail with relationships.  End up being a bachelor.

I don’t know; I really don’t know.

Care: It is midweek, and I am irritated.  I care for someone and then it causes fights.  Why the *swearing* should I care anymore?  It just causes *swearing* hassles! No more… no *swearing* more!

You truly care for someone and not in a sexual way, then you either get used or this!  And they say people prefer sensitive people?

I am signing off tonight as I am not constructive at all!

Party: I took a break from this blog since the last time I wrote here… I tried to break away from this.  As you probably noticed by now, I failed terribly at the attempt.  Seems like this is the only place where I can talk and express myself.  My family doesn’t really show any interest.  They more stuck up with their own problems.  Friends?  Like a friend once told me: ‘Which friends aren’t fake?’  Damn good question if you ask me!

It is time for me to get away… and I really wish I could.  I need to get away.  I am starting to think of non-sensible and selfish ways to part from this place.  I made a promise to myself that I will not walk that path, yet my mind is cooking up cocktails with these ideas.

Where to now?  Simple questions I never get answers to.  I am extremely drained these last few days.  I want to update my will and I don’t even have the energy for that!  I prayed and I asked for something I KNOW would probably never happen.  Life is not about love thy neighbour no more.  People live their lives for themselves, who cares who gets hurt in the process! *sigh*

Song:  Soul Asylum – Runaway Train.

Fading People: The last few days have been difficult.  I looked at a few photos on PC and I realised that I met quite a few people these last 8 – 9 years.  From people in Middelburg to IRC friends online friends at the college to strangers I met.

These people came and left.  Ok, not all of them, but most of them.  Now I don’t know why I meet new people.  Yesterday I went to visit a friend.  He bought his own place and he wanted to ‘brag’ about it.  I am fine with that.  I think it is awesome when you buy your own place! But… the only time this friend contacts me, is when he is in need of something or wants to show off something.  Before yesterday, the last time we had contact is about 3 – 4 months ago!  Now it makes me wonder how long it will take before we make contact again.

Wishing Well: I have not touched this blog for some time.  To be honest, I don’t think I have touched this blog for a month or even much longer.  I had a lot of anger.  I think my brain is frying as if you put it on ‘High’ in a microwave.  I have been thinking of stuff I should not.  I am not going to mention what I am thinking about.  All I will say about it is that it is not constructive at all.

Eventually my headache resided and I am somewhat capable to sit in front of a PC again.  I feel uncomfortable though.  It is hot and humid.  Just like the fans… nothing works out, or doesn’t work properly or not working at all.  I had so much ideas and stuff I wanted to do, and now I don’t really care.  I just want this year to pass quickly.  I know I wish my life away… it is all I have!

Kiss: Something personal for a change? Hmmm, let me think about that…  I think one thing I can mention is that I was in the mood for a kiss today.  That in a nutshell.  I saw a lady with a magnificent face: warm and breathtaking!  You could see that she takes real good care of herself!  Her lips were so inviting!  Then I thought… It has been a while since I had a proper kiss!

Not horny or a pervert! Just honest.

Mindless: I wanted to convert this to a type of diary for 2005, but I have skipped quite a few days.  So much for that idea.  I think it should just stay a blog.  I will try to keep this blog updated more regularly though.  My life has become a routine once again.  I need to change that.  I am tired of this routine.  It is breaking my spirit.  Is it possible to have a constructive and rectifying routine?  If there is such a thing, I wish I could get my hands on that!  My mindset has gone astray; my mind has gone AWOL; my soul has become restless; my body taking the pounding!

Unfinished Poem: I thought about that one poem I tried to finish still… never touched it again in about 2 – 3 years now.  That poem was supposed to remind me of the positive things in life.  Too pessimistic to continue with it I suppose.  I am too scared it reminds me of how many times I have failed.  I can see it even in my friends, family, relationships, mother and sister – they all have stamped me as a failure.  Even I have accepted that title upon myself!  So I can’t really blame them.

It is hard to find a way to prove them (and me) wrong, so I will accept the category I have been placed in.  I have always been an outsider of some sort in every aspect of life.  I can’t really expect anything less from mankind.

Don’t get me wrong.  This is not upsetting me.  I am not angry or mad at anyone.  It just stresses the fact that I am lonely tonight.

‘To be human is err’ or something in that line they say.

Stagnated: Who would have thought that I would find myself here after all this time! Same issues – same problems – same person.  I am not progressing at all, am I?

Future: Ever met someone in your life and think they are your soul mate, just to realise they might be your soul mate but you are not theirs?  My longest serious relationship of about five years was that typical situation.  Later I met someone else and guess what? Same situation!  Is it a possibility that I just don’t have the ability to choose the right person?  Just goes to show that I am destined to be a bachelor.  I just wish I could disappear to where no-one knows me; fade to a place where I know no-one – escape to a place where names are irrelevant and time pass faster than the wind – hide where my sorrows cannot reach me.

No, I am not in a self-pity mood.  I am just deep in thought.  Searching for a way out.  There are obvious ways out, but I do not have enough guts to through with that, and the easy way out is probably not the right way in any case.

Questions: A house has a floor, ceilings, walls doors and windows.  A house is only secure when the doors are locked and the windows secured.  How secure is a home when you leave doors unlocked and the windows wide open?  Isn’t that pretty vulnerable?

That is how I feel… I forgot to close the doors and lock them; forgot to close the windows and tighten them.  Open for anything.

A house is not necessarily a home.  A house is physical; a home is where you feel safe, secure, and most importantly – welcome!  I haven’t felt at home for some time now.  And I am not just talking about a place to stay… I am talking about so much more than that.  In fact… I haven’t had a ‘home’ for the last few years now.  The closest I was to home was with a hug.

What is family?  Is it blood relation? Is it being genetically intertwined?

Or is it the knowledge of…

Someone always being there for you for anything and everything, no matter what time?

Someone always listening wholeheartedly without judging you?

Someone being the music when you are lonely?

Someone being the smell of rain in drought stricken desert?

Someone, like a rainbow, being a sign of hope?

Someone being a friend, yet closer?

Someone being the ‘1’ when you feel like the ‘0’ in a binary system?

Someone being the solar system in a universe in your opinion?

Isn’t that pretty much summarising what love should be?

Do any of us really have a family?

Do we truly know what the difference between a family member and a true friend is?

Do we realise what the potential in such a person is?

Do we acknowledge these facts?


Do we continue unhindered with our selfish lives?

I think I know that answer to that question.  And it is a pity and so unnecessary!

What is the monetary value of a rand /dollar when you don’t have a cent?  So what is our selfish lives worth without this ‘family’?  My family is not genetically decided.  My family is who I decided is pure at heart.  These friends – only a handful though – have made me part of a family few can understand the power of it within.

Before I can have that ‘dollar’, I must get my life in order.  Only then will I thrive with the full value.

Love: So, I quickly read through the previous entry before I started here.  Yes, I do have a lot of issues.  That I know all too well, but reading through that, I noticed I could have added love there as well.

Do we know what love is?  Do we think we know what it is?  Or do any of us really care?

Somewhere I saw a card that describes love the best ever.  It read as follows: ‘when a person put their hand into that of their soul mate, is when they touch the heart as one’.  Powerful words if you ask me.

What is the purpose of fingers?  Isn’t it for two hands to intertwine into each other?  A person is very much symmetrical.  The shape of a heart (love symbol) is symmetrical as well.

Two hands and two arms, two eyes and two ears, two legs and two feet.  A couple (is consisting of a male and a female), prey and hunters, good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative, inner and outer, love and hate, true and false, light and darkness.  An old scale (the balance type).  Everything gets definition and meaning when in pairs.  Bestow and acquire!  Isn’t love just that?  Sharing!  Balancing out the equation, not tipping the scales to one side.

What is the most powerful thing in the world?  What can cause war and just as quick end it?  The Ten Commandments – which was broken up in two parts – holds the answer to this simple question!  Love!

We have a pair of eyes, yet we don’t see.

We have a pair of ears, yet we don’t listen.

We have two feet, yet we don’t walk towards our destiny.

We have a left and a right brain, yet we don’t use it!

We have a departure point and a destination point.  We do know where we came from.  Do we really know where we are going?  Do we know how we are getting there?  Do we know why we going there?

Problem and solution!  We tipped the scales and that is why we find ourselves here – astray from the path we should’ve taken.  Lost and not found, took but gave nothing.  Being selfish is not a pair.  It is uneven!

Selfish is blind.

Selfish is deaf.

Selfish is false.

Selfish is impure.

There is a saying ‘to fall in love’.  Ever wondered why they say ‘fall in love’?  My opinion: love is the cure for the sickness called ‘selfishness’.

Is it true that pain is associated with love?

Why love someone then right?

Problem:  Not to love – friend, family, soul mate – is an opinion about oneself that one is a god.

Solution:  To fall in love, brings you down to earth to the human level – where our paths cover the luscious lands.

Love never fails.  We fail love.  Not to love is a constant pain; to love is just a slim chance of pain.  What would you choose?  Love is blind they say…but maybe it is not love that is blind.  If we worship the person and not the love, doesn’t that mean we make ourselves blind?  I think we don’t understand the pain associated with love.  I think the pain associated with love is merely a method to remind us what it is all about, and not to take things for granted.  Love hurts when applied wrongly.  Love doesn’t break bones, or leave scars.  It leaves memories; it feeds the mind to grow.

Do any of us know what love is?

Do we care what love is?

Well, after this session, maybe I shouldn’t mention love real soon.  I tend to go overboard.  Mellow-dramatic queen! Ha-ha.  Nah, just when I want to say something I should not stop.  Go with the flow they say 🙂

Song:  Haddaway – What is love

Memories: Today, my mind is filled with memories.  Well, every time I touch this blog, it is filled with memories I suppose.  Yeah, I stated the obvious! Call me dumb.

I think I have been blessed with the best memories ever and yet, I allow it to keep me back, I allow it to hurt me still.

‘Do not dwell in the past!’  A phrase I hear a lot from people that know me well.  Look ahead and search for your future!  To be honest with you, I am trying.  But my memories mean everything to me.  It is the foundation of my personality – or the lack thereof.  A smile; a tear; a frown; some fear.  All the product of emotions.

Memories are a treasure of the soul.

Untitled: I am so tired, but it is too hot and I am too uncomfortable to sleep.  Slowly, I can feel the headache returning.  It is the end of another weekend again.  Time is moving on so fast.  Tonight, I miss some people.  I really miss them.  If I had some energy left tonight, I would have browsed through my photos.

I really screwed up in my life thus far.  My life could have been so different.  Maybe married; maybe kids; maybe…  Who knows?  I really need to get back on track.  Life goes on while I am standing still!

Things really need to change.

Negativity: I am thinking of ending everything for good.  I am trying to keep it together, but I am slipping; I am slipping fast.  I do not have the energy to struggle against it anymore.

Where smiling was a warm feeling for me, now is nothing more than pretence.  Things that was always pushing and shoving, now is pounding and crushing.

Will I have enough guts one day?  I know it is wrong, but maybe I will be forgiven when the reason is understood.  I cannot go on like this.  I cannot keep on faking life; I cannot pretend to be something I am no more… I just can’t.

Things I have been thinking will damn me forever.  It is getting to a point where I don’t really care no more.  In my life I met great people – probably the best ever.  But, why disappoint them as I did my family and friends?  I am tired of disappointments.  I am tired of failing.  Why pull someone down when you going under?  Why waste their energy?  Why see the fear in their eyes when they look at you as you go under?  Why make them cry?

I am tired of failing friends.

I am tired of failing family.

I am tired of failing love.

I am tired of failing life.

I am exhausted, I truly am!

Hatred: Hate… Why?  Is there ever a good enough reason to hate a person? I doubt it… yet, my heart grows stronger with hatred and my blood boil with the poison of it.

It scares me.  Hate drives people to do things they would never do before.

I am becoming a person with no feeling; a person with no hope; a person with no faith in people or their minds.

It hurts.  It burns like fire; it stings like the sting of a scorpion; it crushes like the power of a boa-snake.  What am I on about?  Feelings!  That is what I am talking about today.  Everything I think lately, spike my inner self with pain.  They say a man’s threshold of pain is less than that of a woman, and I do not doubt it in any way, but I think I might have reached my threshold.

Ever wished you die to make life better for others?  I have!  And not just on one occasion.  I know it is selfish, but *swearing*, this pain is killing me! It intoxicates my body, my mind, my soul.

Pain: So, whenever I drink, or bench-drink as a very dear and gorgeous friend put it so politely, it is just to escape the pain for a few hours.  I know this is not the solution.

But is there a solution for pain?  Do you get pills for heartache?  Do you get pills to ‘fix’ sorrow?  You get but a sedative to release you from it for a little while.  That is what the bench drinking is for me.  Just a liquid form of medicine to escape to pain for a little while.  The only time I am somewhat free of pain.  Even if it is only for a little while, just that little while, where I have no reason to pretend.

Just a little while to live life.  Just a little time.  It is all I ask.  Just those few moments. People think I run away from it, but it is more as if I take a little break from it; I do always return… so it cannot be that I run away.  I wish I could just run away from it all.  But where to?  Where does one hide from pain? Where does one find salvation?  Where does one find that place? I know… I know no such place.  You might say religion and faith is the answer to that, and I want to believe that.  It is just damn difficult.  I am trying to get closer to my Maker these last few days.  I read the Bible; I prayed.  But even then… my mind is sidetracked.  I do question religion – which I know is wrong – but I know that somewhere there had to be something to begin everything!  I do not doubt religion.  I just doubt I am capable enough to understand some of it all.  It tears me in two.  On the one side I try to do the right thing that, when I depart, I had shown even just a hint of true praise for my Maker.

On the other hand, I have this pain and sorrow being that question and doubt everything; one that wants to make an end to a life, just to get the easy way out.  Just to kill the pain. Just to ease the sorrows.  Just to end all the questions.

What do I do?  Does anyone know the answer to that?

Music: Rock Music…the sound that classify you as evil and satanic.  Evil I might be, but not satanic!  I might be a long way from being a Christian, but I do not worship Satan. I may have a chaotic way of thinking; I might have lots of issues; I might even be the most stupid person ever to exist… but that doesn’t make me a beast worshipper.  When I said stupid I do not mean like people with a learning disorder.  Stupid means you have the capacity of knowledge but you are too lazy to apply it!


The choice to be too lazy is the wrong choice that makes you *swearing* stupid!  Not medical conditions!  I never took the time or energy to exercise my brain, so yes, I made the wrong choice!  You can call me anything but NOT a Satan worshipper.

But let me not get too much sidetracked!

You get dance music that ‘doef doef’ till early mornings.  I had a phase where that was the only thing I listened to.  Then a few things in life that I took for granted, changed or even disappeared.  Then for some odd reason, my music taste moved from this banging music to rock music.  I never knew why.  I thought of various reasons but could never pinpoint a specific reason, so I gave up.

A while ago, it hit me and for a change I understood why I started to listen to rock music, bounce to dance music and appreciate any form of music.

ROCK MUSIC – I don’t even know where to begin!  Stereotyped people never take the time to listen to the music.  Of all the music genres that exist, rock music (any type of rock) is probably the deepest!  Almost every rock song has a message or tale to tell.  Just take the time to listen to the lyrics.

DANCE MUSIC – A music type that exercises the body, rock music soothes the mind and soul.  Rock music feeds the brain and nourishes the feelings within.  It caresses emotion with a stimulation of rhythmic passion.

Thank you to all the artists!  Sometimes when we forget the good things in life, the bring it back to the conscious mind and where it reminds us of the bad memories, they remind us that we weren’t the only ones going through situations and that somewhere out there, someone might have had it worse off than you.

Questions: Does anyone ask themselves as much questions as I do?  Questions concerning what, you may ask?  Questions concerning life and everything revolving around it.  That is what I question.

What is important to you?

What makes you tick?

What makes you sad?

What depress you?

What makes you decide who your soul mate is?

So many questions!  Very few times, we answer these questions with the truth to others and ourselves.  Truth is almost non-existent nowadays.  Lies, deception and corruption became our masters – our gods.  We became slaves of our own creations!  Almost sound like a summary of these Sci-fi movies down to the bone.

We have the capability to have knowledge, yet we do not master knowledge!  We use knowledge to destroy ourselves.  Medici stated that we only use a small percentage of our brain.  If we could just use half of that we already use, but implement it properly!  Or are my opinions too far fetching?  We are all so stuck up with ourselves!

Feelings: Yes, my last few entries weren’t positive.  I do not feel any positive energy at present so I will not pretend and enter such things.  I do not feel love.  I do not feel the power or urge to care.  I do not feel family bands.  I feel anger.  I do not have any regrets feeling this way.

I feel hate.  I feel pain.  I feel death.

My source of power is dying on me and I don’t care.  My family is fading on me and I don’t mind.  My soul is thrashed and I wonder… what will become?

This is the life as I know it.  This is my state of mind.  This is my chaotic existence.  Where to go from here?

Religion: I have gone astray.  For a few years I haven’t touched my Bible.  My faith grew weak.  My hope lessens.  For the past week, I tried to salvage my Christianity.  I started to read the Bible like a story book.  But once again, I only spent a few minutes with my Creator.

I do believe in God.  I do question faith though.  I know it is wrong, but I do, even if I try not to.

I realized that just by taking that split second to speak to God is soothing to the mind.  I know it sounds idiotic, but it is my opinion.  I ended my day with a chapter from the Bible and closed it off with a prayer.  Sometimes I had to wipe a tear from my eye, for I know what a sinner I am.

I am to get closer to my Maker, my Saviour.  It will be hard, but I will try.  Succeed – I don’t know.

Nature: Tonight, I looked outside my window and in the horizon I saw the moon.  Not full moon, but clear like I haven’t seen in a long time.  Such a sight is a spring of hope.  It took just that single glance at the moon, and I had the revived energy to look tomorrow in the eye.  How tomorrow will end, I don’t know.  Maybe a negative vibe…maybe not.

Wishful Thinking: I wish I could do a few things in my life over.  I would’ve changed so much.  And yet, with some of the things I see as a negative turn in my life, that same instance, I realized that there came good from it too.

For instance…

NEGATIVE:  I broke up with the ‘right lady at the wrong time’

POSITIVE:     I learned to appreciate the people in my life

I had the privilege to meet new people I never would have

NEGATIVE:  I moved away from Middelburg where I felt save and where I had a life

POSITIVE:     I came to meet a dear friend who seems always to smile and show positive vibes where she goes.  I really hope she sorts the guy she likes out.  I noticed that my communication skills are becoming futile.  And that means I tend to have a negative vibe that distorts the positive in others.

Good and Evil… so common yet so unseen.  We, as humans are batteries of our own being.  A battery has a positive and a negative side that creates a current flow (Potential Difference for all you technical junkies).  If we had exposure to only positive or only negative, then we would not have a life we have in full.  This last year I had a lot of both.  I think my current is tending to weaken.

Hint: Do not wait for life, life it.  Life, but do not rush it.

Dreams: Confusion sets in… I dreamt of a friend of mine.  I have never thought I was to dream of her.   I never dream (or so we all say), but I can or prefer never to remember them when I awaken.  At this time in my life, I believe that dreams are false hope.  There is this saying where they say you should dream your dreams and when you awaken, to life them.  It is hard to life your dream in today’s society.

I listened to a few of my old rock music collections.  I am in the mood to drive off to a distant place; fade away into the shadows.  That is what dreams do… FALSE HOPE!

I listened to a song by Greenday today.  I don’t know the name but I can relate to the words.  Basically saying that you walk alone and the only thing by your side is your own shadow.  As soon as I get the song, I can put the words here exactly as it is.  It is as if someone likes me… or someone in the same state of mind as me wrote that song.  Someone with the same questions as me.

Communication: I notice that I am loosing the capability to communicate with the people around me.  I really need to get away from everything.  If I’m alone, then I can’t hurt my friends or family…or even a loved one.  Doubt I will find it though. Well, honestly, I think I have found love, just not the two-way street it should be.  Doubt I will travel in the two way street during this lifetime.

Repeatedly, I meet someone; fall in love; just then to realize that we weren’t meant to be.  Loneliness is my fate; solo be my destiny.

Friend: A few minutes ago I got a SMS from the best friend I could ever ask for.  She is a great lady.  I have learned so much from her.  But tonight my heart goes out to her.  I do not feel sorry for her as I think she might find it offensive towards her.  It is however, not meant in that sense.  This lady is in my thoughts and prayers.  Why?  Well, the SMS she sent was to inform me that she must book into hospital for an operation.

She is scared, and so am I!  I really am.  Seems like everyone around me has some form of cancer…. Lydia, Justin, Oom Fritz, Oom At and now possibly her too!  It is brewing all these questions inside me and I know it is wrong… but it is stirring!  When will I explode?

I love her so much (not the relationship-intimate kind of way).  She is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.  Why I was blessed to know her, I don’t know.

I almost lost her a few times in the past… not by death but by my stupidity and the lack of skills involving friends and communication.  I can’t afford to lose her.  She means so much to me.  How can I be supportive if I am not even strong enough to handle the news myself?

I have this picture of her in my mind.  The most beautiful smile.  A smile that can stop a war; kill time in an instance.  A smile I’ll never forget.  May God carry her.

A few days passed since I have touched this document.  Today I went to see my friend in the hospital.  When I got there, I got to see her lying in ICU.  That really made me restless.  Why is she in ICU?  I am so scared!  I wish I just could hold her hand, just to make sure she knows I am there for her.  I don’t want to lose her friendship.!

Well, I went to see my friend today again.  She is not in ICU anymore!!!This is such a great relief! She is just in general ward now!  I was nervous as hell, but I wanted to see her!  At least this time she saw that I came to see her.  She looked uncomfortable and sore.  I wish I could take away some of the pain she is experiencing.

Religion: Today, I realised that I am slacking in my religion.  I try to build up my faith again.  It is going extremely slow.  But I am trying real hard.  I try to pray at least once a day; I try to read a chapter from the Bible.  I know I talk a lot to my Creator. But, I don’t think I really count.  But I am trying!

Touch: Tonight, I miss the touch of a woman. I miss the soft skin; the warmth of closeness; the heartbeat that musically fills your ears and deafen life’s stress-calls; the smell of a woman close to your heart.  That is what I miss tonight.

Life: a few nights ago, I heard someone say: “Life is like a boomerang, your life is like a throw.  Whatever you do, it will come back to you.”  It is very simple words, yet exceptionally powerful.  And it made me think…  I think I made a mistake with my throw – misdirected and misguided.

Memories: My mind is so filled with memories of my past.  Beautiful, loving, wonderful… just perfect, but I had to screw it up.  I wish I could believe in second chances, but you only have one single chance at the good things in life.  In my opinion, that is the quest in life: find the good things and appreciate it for the moment it exists.

With that, I am not saying that only that instance when you meet someone is the only good moment.  Every moment with them can be a new-found good moment.  I am just saying that when you find something good, treat it as if it is your last.  Of all the good things, how many times to you experience a repeat of it?  Appreciate the good, and with the bad… well, if you get a second chance to correct it, use it wisely!

If you find yourself in that fortunate position to get a second chance, remember that you have the privilege to make a wrong a right!  Not everyone is blessed with such an opportunity.

Just never forget that a good moment is but one moment and cherish it for that! Value each and every good moment of time as it is very scarce.  Life is a good thing.  You get presented with one chance!  The opportunity of death is around each corner.  And no-one will tell you that death is good!  Maybe that explanation proves my point.

Friendship: Friendship – the temporary relief of the blackness of life.  Yes, with that I am saying that friendship is purely temporary.  But it is one of those proven facts.  Scenario:  You have a ‘best friend’… That friend gets married, and with that the friendship ends instantly.

Is friendship meant to last?  Or is it just a temporary companion till you find yourself committed to a ‘loved’ one?  My believe is that it is only there temporarily.  I have my reasons for saying that and on a later stage I will probably add it here.

Is it possible to find true friends?  Most of the people I know are so caught up with themselves that their ‘friends’ are just a side-dish for the ‘when-I-have-time’ moments in their lives.  People become selfish; occupied with the wellbeing of oneself with no regards to the people right next to you.

So in that case, I’m not wasting my time anymore.  Why waste time on temporary relief?  If it is just temporary relief, I might as well skip the friends and myself a lot of time and pain.

I am signing off right now… I must get used to this typing again.  I’ve been away from it again.  But I have tried not to add anything here when it is not constructive.  Which is probably not right as this is supposed to be for ALL my thoughts.

We’ll see how this progress… we’ll just have to wait and see.

Last night I watched a program I enjoyed watching.  “Early Edition” is the title of the series.  They ended the one specific episode with this little thought: “A friend is like the weather; unpredictable and will change on you in a moment… Speak to three weather forecasters ad you will find three different answers.”  Well spoken words.

I wrote a poem to a very dear friend of mine.  I am not really good with words anymore, so to the grammar critics and poetic judges, all I can say is… * I am not a brainy person OK * I battle to find the right words to express myself.  I had one specific poem I like, but the more I try, the more lame it gets.  My mind is fading.  My thoughts drowned in memories.  Stress starts to takes its toll on me.  Loneliness had me captured for a while, stress have me in the torture chambers where I think a lot of us find ourselves.  And I am tired to struggle on.  What I want, I can’t get – what I can get, someone else can use better – what I have, is a mind gone to waste – what I had, was the best time in my life.

The Bible has a piece written where a woman was ordered not to look back to her home;  she did and turned to stone.  Isn’t that what the message was?  Do not look at your past – do not dwell in your past, but look ahead in the present and the future.

If you look back at your past the whole time, you miss the opportunities to see what lies ahead in the present and the future.

Anyways, I am getting sidetracked here.  Here is the poem I wrote to my friend.


An invention of the wheel…

That is what she is like to me

How will a wheelbarrow operate? Or even a car?

Just the thought of it is real bizarre!

I bumped into her on the information super-highway

Years went by, and still I know very little of her

And that I am really ashamed to say

But now, I only have these words to offer.

Her warm smile evaporate tears

Where I was filled with pain, aches and fears

What is this thing called friendship?

Life is troubled waters…aiming to drown

Alone you cannot stay afloat

And after a while will go down.

This dear friend was my lifeboat

She did not allow me the ease to slip

A priceless mineral, a perfect memory,

A precious metal, an exceptional blessing

Like the most beautiful scenery,

Will anyone change it for anything?

Always near and willing to support,

No need to plead, beg or ask for it

She thinks nothing of it

So with this I want to say in short…

Words will never do justice or be enough

Gratitude, admiration and love

She taught me what forgiveness is

She taught me what true friendship is

“A pillar of strength when I’d almost fall”

The words to end a SMS if correct I recall

Little you know how true those words are!

Even less you realise what a wonder to us you are.

Anything and everything can go wrong

In my life when I need to be strong

Because my Creator blessed me

With a cure when sickness is all I see

With one thing that will always overcome them,

A pure and magnificent living gem

A friend for eternity!

I still have another poem I am trying to complete… have been busy with it for a while, but it is a challenge.

Family: My family life is falling apart.  To be honest, I don’t think I fit in with our family tree.  I am seen just as an extension to it.  Ask the parents and most of them will deny it.  I am just very certain that I do not fit here.  And not because of my mother or sister.  They have been great to me.  I could try to explain but I will not find the correct words to explain it properly.  Let’s just say I don’t think I fit their profile.  Me being around them at this present time makes it extremely hard for them.  I threw their lives upside down the last few years.  I am at this point where I wish to ‘disappear’ to turn their lives to normal.

Will I ever have a family of my own? I wish I knew the answer to that.  At this very moment I doubt I will ever be able to keep a family together, and yet, that is what I always wanted – a family of my own.

Will my life lead anywhere?

Untitiled: It has been a while since I added any thoughts to this document.  I even stopped my challenge to read the Bible and pray more frequently.  I am going to try again… ‘Take Two’ as the saying goes.  I do hope that this time will be more permanent than my first attempt.

Furthermore, I think of suicide almost on a daily basis now and I am going to try to get that out of my head as well.  It is not that I am planning anything, but the whole argument of ‘it’s a way out’ plays in my head.

I just don’t know anymore.

I just realised something tonight, or this morning rather, but a good piece of guitar play always brings tears to my eyes.  I can’t stop it nor do I know why.  But the sound of a guitar solo, sets my mind into a state where I go deep in thought and a tear will roll down my face.  It takes me to a place I can’t possibly try to describe.

Friendship: It has been a few days since I broke all contact with some friends.  Sometimes I think I made a mistake, other times I think it was the best move I ever made.  Ever had that feeling you get too close to someone?  Well I think I got too close to someone dear to me.  Maybe that was part why I broke off contact.  Or maybe I am just tired to defend myself or try to keep people from being disappointed with me.  I just wish I knew what people want to hear from me. I just wish I had answers to all those questions.  I wish it was things I could learn.

I cancelled my cellphone contract today, and cancelled a few ‘friendships’ with it.  Not close friendships, those ‘sort-of-know-each-other’ friendships and acquaintances.  I don’t think I will change my number.  I think the main reason for not changing my number is that I want ‘someone’ to be able to still contact me if she needs me.

Rest in Peace –           As I start the entry into this document, I’m listening to Linkin Park’s song titled ‘Breaking The Habit’.  It is fitting as I am breaking the rules to this document today.  This entry will have name and dates.

On 14 May 2005 at 05:00AM, Lydia Orliena Koekemoer died.  She left behind her loving husband, Eric and their two sons.  Eric informed me later the day, but it was the first time where I have heard him battling to keep himself together.

My heart goes out to him and the families.  He was like an older brother to me and I respect him as one.  They helped me out so much.  Lydia and Eric (not excluding the Jacobs Family) have been my family when I was in Middelburg.  And I still see them as my Middelburg family.

REGRETS! As the saying goes: ‘Regret is a good thing, it is just a pity it always comes too late!’  I really could have taken the time to try and stay in touch.  I could’ve stopped being so selfish and pick up the phone and phone them once in a while.  I could’ve taken a few moments to phone to ask how they were doing!  I screwed up big time.

Woman Of My Dreams (Part 1): Last night I spoke to a friend of mine and she asked me what type of guy I was – a boob man, ass man, leg man, etc.

That got me thinking.  How will I describe the woman of my dreams!?

Personality:  As I know that habits are harder to change than almost ANYTHING on this earth, the inside is the stuff that will not fade like looks.  So on the personality side, this is what I am looking for.

As I am thriving on humour and jokes in life, I think that the lady must have an awesome sense of humour.  She must be able to cope with my dry humour and my wacko nature.  She must enjoy laughing as that is food for my soul (I’m a selfish pig I know, but this is the woman of MY dreams!). So she mustn’t be shy to laugh out loud.

She must have a will of her own.  It will give me grey hairs, but it is always good to have someone that can think for themselves.  A strong personality with decisive long-term goals for the future is a necessity (I need someone to force me to think serious at some times when it is not time for laughter).

A kind, caring heart is a definite prerequisite.  A soft yet durable heart is essential!

I am dreaming of someone that is willing to hear, but at the same time to listen!  Yet, at the same time, she must be able to speak her mind for me to listen.  I love listening to people.  She must be understanding and accept my flaws and be able to recognize the ways and means I am dealing with my flaws and then support and help me even if I’m too stubborn. I want someone that will not deceive or play deceitful games or tell lies (White lies I will handle on their merits J ).  I want some that feels good about herself, yet not be vain and arrogant.

Since I LOVE hugs, the lady must be able to give not physical hugs, but emotional hugs too.  I know it sounds confusing, but it is not.  Simply in other words, her hugs is a comfort zone.  If she hugs me, I want to feel what care feels like.  I know I am very capable to return such a hug.  I’ll love to have someone that will be there for you, whenever… without you having to ask.  I want someone that can send emotions flying with a gentle touch that one can barely feel.  I am looking for that emotional and psychological energy.

Now this didn’t answer my friend’s question as she was talking about the looks, so I will continue with the description of “The Woman Of My Dreams”.

Woman Of My Dreams (Part 2): So I continue to describe the oh-so-famous lady that I am so head over heels for.  Here is the breakdown of how I think I can be classified as.  I am not sure if the standard ‘boob man’, ‘ass man’ ‘leg man’, etc descriptions will fully define MY liking so here goes.  This is what I want…

Stomach –           A woman’s tummy tells a lot about a woman in quite an accurate manner, unbelievably, in most cases in any way.  In addition, with me saying that, I exclude medical problems and things out of the woman’s control.  If you look at a lady that look after herself, whether she has a define stomach or not, you will notice that the tummy is ALWAYS yummy.  I have a friend with the most gorgeous tummy.  If I didn’t have so much respect for her, I would’ve wall-mounted her tummy.  I could rest my head on a tummy that I like for hours!

Do not get me wrong… With a nice tummy I do not mean overkill!  I do not mean bodybuilder types!  That freaks me out and puts me off quite a bit.  Summarized – a woman that looks after her tummy (her whole body in fact) have self-discipline and self-respect.

Eyes –           The eyes!  The windows to the soul; the memory photographer;  the information input; the emotional speaker. Eyes can say a million words in one moment, and I have not met any ‘extremely talkative’ person that can talk that fast and still make sense. I cannot explain to you how amazing I find the eyes.  I have a friend that I met through another friend (yeah, that friend of a friend of a friend thing hehe); this lady’s got the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen!  Trust me, if she didn’t date my friend, I would’ve tried to marry her on the spot.  But I am getting sidetracked again…

The eyes  are said to be the windows to the soul, and I do not know who said that right in the beginning, but he/she was right.  It is the one and only area where you can have a sneak preview of the person.  Do not get me wrong, you cannot judge and categorize a person just by their eyes, but it can give you an indication of what might be in store.  Eyes can cry, it can cut through you with a stare that will make you so uncomfortable that you would prefer to disappear faster than Houdini, but eyes can smile as well, that will fill your heart with a warmth and excitement.  As you can see, I can write about this forever, but I think you get the idea.

Neck and Facial –           This is quite an important feature I notice almost immediately.  The neck and facial department is crucial.  What is the one thing always exposed for everyone to see?  The face and neck!  And yes, this even includes the make-up stuff!  I want someone that, if she wants to use make-up, she should use it to enhance her qualities and not hide flaws.  With this I mean that too much makeup is a definite killer for me.  I rather prefer a lady with no makeup than one with way too much makeup.  You can have the most beautiful and sexy lady, but the makeup can screw it up for everybody that sees her.  On the other hand, you might see this ‘average’ (dare I say) lady that looks drop dead gorgeous with the right type and amount of makeup.  I suppose I see more into this stuff than most people.  But then again, this is just who I am.  Weird and wacky.

Too much makeup gives me the subconscious believe that the woman is trying to hide something with make-up or even in life– whether it is true or not.

Use no makeup or just a touch to enhance your qualities that makes that face so loving, and most probably she will be like that in life as well… she will use the tools in life to compliment her good qualities and strengthen her in her weaker qualities.

All of this of course, does not exclude a perfect smile.  A smile can be seen on the lips and around their eyes.

Legs and Bums –           Oi, a woman with beautiful legs is definitely a plus!  Show me anyone that doesn’t look at legs, especially the calves of a woman on high heels!?  A dame that spend some time on her legs to keep it smooth, silky and toned, proves to make time in the bigger picture for unseen events (emotional support, etc.) no matter what,  not just spending time on make-up.

Breasts / Boobs –           Let me guess, some of you expected me to get to this right in the beginning. Well I didn’t. Breasts, fun bags, boobs, hooters, jugs, woman’s-magical-powerful-weapon whatever you want to call it. ROTFLMAO (and to those that have no clue what that means – Roll On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off).  I can elaborate on this, but I will keep it simple.  I am not drunk enough to go into too much details n this topic.  So in other words, you want a much more elaborated version, get me drunk. :p

All I will say is that a woman that ‘exercises’ them and keeps them in shape, got determination and willpower.  I say this because I don’t think it is the easiest muscles to exercise.

Yummy!!!  Yes that is my opinion of it.  The size doesn’t really matter to me.  If the lady is comfortable with them, then I am in seventh heaven too.  My mother always taught me, more than a handful is a waste!  If it can fit in my hand, then no sweat… if it is a little more, I will find other ways to use the full size. Hahaha.  I can now mention nipples and all that stuff too, but nah, not at this time, maybe when I had a few drinks in an hour and am very chirpy, but I’m NOT, not right now in any case. J

Regrets: They say live life without regrets.  I have regrets, and a lot of it!  I did something and now the consequences haunt me.  And I mean it really haunts me.  I battle to sleep.  I walk hours on end just to try and forget.  I walked the last few days for a minimum of two hours.  The worst of it all,  it doesn’t help much.  No matter where I find myself, I still feel broken.  What have I done?  At times like these, I wish I had more guts to express my feelings and emotions to someone.

I have been alone for some time now.  Now is where I find myself to be lonely and miserable again.  I make unrealistic wishes that I am certain won’t come true.  Like R Kelly say in one of his songs: ‘turn back the hand of time’.  I know everything in life happen for a reason, but right now it feels like I am the reason for my own miserable state I find myself in, and it will probably be the closest to the truth.

Why don’t I correct it?  It is probably because I am too shy to mention anything.  Or that I can’t swallow the little pride I have to take a chance and should the outcome not be what I was looking for, just move on fast and put it all behind me?

I wish…I wish… I wish!  Where I am right now, I am failing life (and that is put very mildly).  I don’t know where to ask for help anymore.  It was never my strong point to ask for help.  It would’ve been so much simpler and easier if some knew what was going on in my mind.  I believe life isn’t supposed to be easy to figure out.  It make life challenging; sometimes even almost unbearable.

I am tired of standing still.  I just wish I could share my life with someone.  Later on, I will have something to give.  At present I don’t have much.  But I know in my heart, I can make someone happy, or I will do my very best to do so.  And not just anyone… that special someone, that specific one.

What have I done?  During today I have listened to a song very specific to where I find myself right now:  Puff Daddy – I’ll be missing you.  Maybe I am not destined to share in love; maybe I should just silently love, unnoticeably, and leave it at that.

But then again, if it was this simple and I had such an easy way out, I probably would’ve never even started this document.

It’s never simple, is it.?

Fear –           My ears were the sound studio that recorder the voice of beauty; My eyes was the professional photographer that capture this miracle with perfect composition; my nostrils were filled with the fragrance of her intelligence and the aroma was unmatched by anything known to mankind, I tasted magic… Combined it was as good as the harmony in nature, and I got scared.

It is all I can say… a very short entry, but I don’t know how else to describe it.

Love –           I listened to some upbeat song a few minutes ago, and I think it was a cover of an old song, and I listened to the words.

‘…Love is an angel, holding you tight,

Love is an angel, standing by your side.’

Nice words.  In my opinion, I think love is a lot like playing Blackjack.  It is a gamble.  You take a chance to open your heart and express your emotions to someone.  And I am not a good gambler or with Blackjack.

I know the basics of Blackjack.  In life we all sit around a blackjack table.  All playing their hands of life, where I stay in my comfort zone.  Let me try to explain in my simple uninformed point of view (this who know better, please send me the proper way to play):

In the game of Blackjack, your aim is to get to a total score of 21 per hand, or as close as possible to 21.  Your aim is to be higher than everybody else’s hand, including the Dealer, without going bust (bust is when you go over a total of 21 for that hand).  It is all about probability and how you play the game.

If the dealer deals you a King and a nine, most like you will ‘stay’ (not requesting another card to be dealt to you), as the probability of you going bust, is very high.  I think you get the idea at least.

Now when I am sitting around the table and for a chance not just be an observer, but actually playing Blackjack, and the dealer deals me a King and a two, most likely, I will ‘stay’.  I am scared to take chance and life is all about taking chances.

With this one specific person, I had the Queen of Hearts and the two of hearts… I stayed.

Then I got dealt a Queen and the eight of Spades, I decided to hit… I buried myself!  Too little, too late.

Fate –           A while back I mentioned that I am breaking some contact with a special friend.  I can feel the distance become more and more.  One can create your own fate.  Believe it or not.  I am not sure if you can change, edit or modify destiny, but fate I think you can.  I paved my route of fate; I created a situation; I forced everyone involved into that hole.  I steered fate in such a way, it couldn’t change direction.  The silence us eating me up inside.  I feel guilt; I feel sorrow;  I feel ashamed.  No-one else to blame or point fingers at but myself.

Religion –           A friend and myself had this telephonic discussion about religion a few days ago.  About heaven and hell to be more precise.  He joined a new kind of church and this church made a statement that if you die in church, you go to heaven; if you die in a night club, your soul will not be at peace and that will be hell.

Don’t get me wrong, I did not study theology and the likes, so it can be true, but I am going to give you my opinion about it.  I think heaven and hell is more where your mind is.

For example: You can do unspeakable things to the sexy lady sitting right next to you in church whilst the service is ongoing, or you can be in a nightclub discussing an extract of the Bible.  As I said before, I think heaven and hell is where your mind is.  Let me end this with this little statement:  I created my own hell – emotional hell, and a lot of aching heartbeats pumping through my veins.

Jealousy –           Tonight, for the first time in years, I feel a hint of jealousy.  I broke up one specific friendship for a few reasons. These reasons range from the atmosphere at home to other more complicated reasons.  Another hidden reason is that I grew too fond of this particular lady.  Here is where consequences come to play me the fool again.

I have this gut feeling that this lady is now involved with someone.  I might be mistaken, but I doubt it.  I’ll be happy if she is happy…. Blah blah fishpaste! Well, it is actually true.  I would love to see her happy.  I constantly look at her photos, and then I just realize what a sexy smile she has! Truly a warm and calming smile.  And her eyes penetrate one with ease.

Yes, I have fallen… and yes it does hurt now!  Pain has caught up with me.  Every day I have this urge just to SMS her, to ask her how she is doing, or what she’s been up to?  But then fear overpowers me, and I am back to square one.

I am filled with guilt as these feelings were kept secret and hidden from her (even the fact that she has her heart set on someone else, is not an excuse for telling her how I feel).  I have deceived her and betrayed myself.  Not being true is a lie! Destiny you cannot change, but the way you get there is all up to you, right?  Fear has ruled my life.  And fear makes an end to a lot of good things I had.  I blame no-one.  I DID have a choice.  I just made the wrong choice.  Now if there were a course presented to make the right decisions in life and love, I would pay any amount to attend as I have quite a collection of erroneous ones.

Fear     –           Regret –           Pain

Hope –           The last few days I’ve been walking for hours on end trying to make sense of it all, maybe grasping for hope.  I just had a funny thought…  Will someone have an answer to a question if you never ask that question?  I hope for something but I hide what I am hoping for, hiding from what I’m hoping for.  It doesn’t sound like it is making sense, but in time, it will.  I must change this…  I must push away fear and just say what is on my mind…  Sounds nice to say it.  I just hope I can get it right!  Before I push away someone else I like.

Moving to another topic…

I think I have seen something I wasn’t supposed to.  Or let’s just say I am making an assumption that I really hope is so NOT.  I will discuss it later.  Now is not the time as there are prying eyes tonight.  Till later.  And with that, hope I get an SMS or even a call!

That special someone –           OK, I have returned to this document once again… I was alone for a long time, but this is the very first time where I really am lonely.  What is the degree of loneliness? Let me paint you a little picture to try and describe the feeling:  It is a cold, rainy night.  The air is crisp and the night is extremely quiet.  In the distance you hear the rumbling thunder, but not frightening, more of a calming nature.  Suddenly you hear your cellular phone effects yours speakers; you run to fetch your phone, wishing, praying that it is that special someone.  Then reality smacks you right in the face.  It is no SMS, no call, just the effect of the change of signal quality.  After that you only realise the following: It is cold, it is wet, it is dark.  Three factors that you can define in one word:  UNCERTAINTY.

After this moment, I went outside to sit in the warm sun, and while listening to the birds, I thought of this special someone.  When I go out every night, taking my strolls through the streets, I think of her; when I see  someone happy, I think of her smile.  It brings me back to the rhetorical question, that no-one can answer, but just enlighten you with their opinion:  Should one believe in second chances or not?  Or maybe, did I receive too many second chances with this one without knowing it?

One doesn’t get reborn to fix what you have wronged.  But should the life we live, have no second chances?

The Absolute Power –           I’ve heard once that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body.  I am not sure about it as I have never tried to lift a car with my tongue, but I am sure that the tongue is the most powerful.

The first a person can think of, is that the tongue can taste.  Bitter, sweet, savoury or sour.  Put a drop of ice cream on your tongue and feel the tingling sensation.  How about dropping a seed of a Jalapeno chilli on your tongue and see how your facial expressions change, not to mention your skin tone.  And I can continue with this for hours.

To go a little bit out of the box as well. The tongue can generate a sensation of passion too.  Used correctly, your ‘lover’ and yourself can have hours of fun and enjoy the feeling of being one.  And I am not talking only about kinky stuff…

Then of course, it can freak some people out too.

But there is a lot more to the tongue.  The tongue can communicate!  Good or bad!  It is just your choice how you use it.  You can tell lies or you can speak the truth.  The tongue is the medium of communication.  When you insult someone, look at the disappointment and hurt that you caused.

Compliment someone on the smallest thing, and look what  great difference you make in that person’s life for that day!

Using your tongue wisely… You can say the right thing at the wrong time; the wrong thing at the right time, the wrong thing at the wrong time and the right thing at the right time!  That is the slim odds to use your tongue correctly.  And that is why the saying goes, think before you speak!  And how many times have you neglected to say the right thing at the right time?  Or even just not bother to say it at all…ever?

Just keep this in mind:  A compliment’s strength is much less than an insult.  I compliment only goes skin deep; an insult cut through the heart.  Compliments should be given from the heart, to try and have that compliment stick for as long as possible.

I bite my tongue when I am of the opinion that I will gamble with a friendship.  I grow fond of someone, but refuse to express my feelings as I am of the opinion that I will lose that friendship.  Not once, many a times! I say it in my mind, and then I ask myself the unanswerable questions ‘What if…?” and that sows a plantation of doubt in my mind.

Senses –           Use your senses and concentrate on the good sensations, as it will stick to your mind.

When you smell, ignore the smell of a wet dog in the rain, but concentrate on the sensation of the heavenly showers on the soil – a fresh, clean smell.

When you look with your eyes, don’t cast your awareness to the dark and murky clouds, but rather experience the view of a miraculous rainbow.

When you listen, forget the traffic and sirens, but enjoy the rhythmic sounds of the raindrops on the leaves, the calming sounds of a waterfall, the song of birds in the trees.

When you feel, don’t mull over the coldness of the rain, but benefit from the wonderful massage that relaxes the tensest muscles.

When you use your tongue, don’t curse the rain, but thank your Creator, for the rain brings new life.

I utilised my senses on all the negative things in life.  I should’ve used my eyes to see the mystical beauty, the wonderful smile, the soul-seeking eyes.  I should’ve used my nose to smell the fragrance of her hair, the fragrance of her hair, I should’ve captured the sense of feeling of her hand.  I should’ve used my ears, not just to hear, but to listen! Listen to her words, her hymn, her song.  I should’ve used my tongue not to destruct something good, but to express feelings.  I should’ve said the right thing at the right time, but I was afraid.

Don’t go through life and waste it all by using your sense for the wrong reasons and just not use it right at all.  Use it wisely.

Our Creator gave us the greatest power in this universe and that is… CHOICE!  I hope you make the right choice.

Hear AND Listen       –           Listen to a loved one and be interested.  All of us want to be heard.  Some have someone to talk to, I have chosen to use this as a medium for now.  Later on it might change.  I do not know what the future holds.  Listen to your soul mate, lover, your ‘other half’.  You will not regret it.  You will hear a sweet, caring, loving and relaxing voice.  That little song will fill your heart and it will radiate through your whole being.

Eye Contact                –           They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  One can find a  lot of emotion in the eyes.  Even if a person tries to hide it.  You can sense a smile, anger, sadness and even love. An argumentative glare, a loving, seductive glance.  One glimpse in the morning can show that special someone that you love and care for them.  You can say a million words and express a million feelings without saying one single word.

Touch                          –           A soft, gentle touch can make one quiver because love rushes through their veins. A soft stroke, barely touching your other half, connect people in a romantic, sensual way, away from daily stress.  Two hands interlocking with each other, a caring hug, a soft kiss on the cheek or forehead.  There are no limits to these feelings.

Touch can hurt too!  So be gentle!

Speak                          –           Communicate!  None of us communicate anymore!  Speak to each other as if it is your very first date; speak to each other as if it is the last opportunity you have to say something to your loved one.  Do things like:  put a little note under a pillow to say “I Love You”; leave a voicemail saying “I Miss You”; Send a SMS saying ‘Smooch”!  Whatever it is, use it wisely! Whatever it is, let it be truthful!

I’ll end this entry tonight with the following thought:  I’ve heard on the radio once that “TIME is the language of LOVE”.  Make time for each other.  Listen to each other.  Speak to each other.  Make eye contact.  Touch.  Don’t let the good things in life go to waste!

Signs –           How come we always pray for some sort of signs?  We look for a shooting star or something.  Little do we realise that there are always signs around us… and a lot of them too.  I have been praying, begging for a sign.  And as I realised it is wrong and selfish to do such a thing, things happen.  I got an SMS.  No, not from an extra-terrestrial being.  I’ve wished; I’ve prayed; I’ve hoped; pleaded for an SMS.  I got it last night. No weird or fancy SMS, just a simple SMS.  The signs are all around us.  Look at nature.  They don’t look for signs for when it is going to be raining or when drought is on its way.  Nature makes the most of the single instant moment they have.  They have survived millions of years, and even still now, a flower is blooming even when we screw up the earth.  Not waiting for any signs.  Just living their lives! And they survive!

We have one earth.  Why do we let it go to waste?  OK, I am all confused and probably sound like it, and the slight headache is not helping, so I am going to leave this monitor for a little while and try to get some rest.

And I feel wonderful after that rest, and just because of a SMS.  Maybe God knew I will go insane (more than what I am already) with all the silence.  I thought I am well off being alone.  I think I now understand the whole thing why Eve was created.  We are not supposed to be alone.  Two people together can be a more complete single unit.  I have so much to be grateful for.

I shortened my walk last night.  Partly cause I was tired and cold, partly because I still felt good.  Tonight I might sleep early as well, since I will be helping an uncle with some work.

Friends –           Today was hectic.  Been driving around and was busy the whole day.  But I’ve been feeling good.  I wrote a letter to my one dear friend that I love and adore.  She received it today and she said she loved receiving it.  It made e feel good.  I love writing to her.  She is probably one of the few people that really take the time to keep in contact.

God has been good to me.  Few times already I just wanted to surrender to death.  If I had enough courage, I would’ve ended it myself a few times already.  And just when I really reach a low, God opened my eyes with things like the very great, perfect friends I have.  And then I am good to go for a while again.

I need to get work now, as I want to get my life back on track.  I want to go out and visit friends, spend some time with them.  Have some sort of social life.  Not that I can go out and drink, but to show them that I appreciate them.

There are a few special friends that kept me going.

Tonight I feel good.  Probably because I realised that I have been blessed with great people in my life.  I know that it will change, but I accept the time I have now.  Enjoy what I have now.  Later on I will handle the situation as it presents itself.

Guardian Angel Named Love –           A thought popped into my mind a few minutes ago.  Almost everyone believes that each one of us has a guardian angel watching over us.  Now the first image that pops into your mind is a halo, bright light and wings, clouds surrounding a heavenly figure.

I realised that it is quite obvious that we all have a guardian angel watching over us, but not as the image most of us have in our heads.  And the best of it all, we believe in a guardian angel, yet we have never seen one.  In my believe, that is where we are all wrong.

Who cares about you, no matter what?

Who looks after you when suicide feels like a preventative measure?

Who lifts your spirits when you feel sad?

Who is the fountain of hope when you think al is lost?

All this is done by something closer to us than what we will ever realise.  It is next to us, in us, surrounding us.  We see and experience it every single day of our lives.  This guardian angel has a name and no, I don’t mean Gabriel.  This angel’s name is Love.  There is always someone who loves you.  Love brings forth hope; love is the birth of caring hearts; love is the uplifting spirit; love is the cure to any disease; love makes you feel good about yourself; love gently force a smile on your face. Show me anyone that will not smile or have happy thoughts when they think of love.

Start looking in the most obvious places for your guardian angel, and remember that angels are among us.  An angel can be a person, a feeling, an emotion.  Love can heal.  Love can solve.  Love can do the impossible.

Remember that love is the two parts in the Ten Commandments.  Lover your Creator, Love your Neighbour.

Trust –           I have just realised what trust means to me.  If there is any doubt of trust, I will end a friendship or make the end of a relationship.  The question however is:  Is there anyone out there worth trusting?  Is there anyone that knows when to trust someone?  I have this ‘raging’ storm of disappointment that fills my mind these past few days.  Why?

Screw friends, screw love.  That is the way I feel right now.  Today I am more relaxed when I am alone.  No worries of disappointing someone else or being disappointed by them.  There must be something better out there except for this ****.  It is working on my nerves.

I am looking out to buy a little car, and with this furious mood, I am not even excited about it.  Just another day in this screwed up world of ours.

Ok, phase one of my ‘changes’ has been completed.  Now, I will slowly enter phase two.  And who knows, if all goes well, it will be over before anyone will notice it.  Good riddance they say… Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish.

Tired –           I’m tired.  Everything seem so pointless.  I’ve lost the urge to make people smile.  I’ve lost the energy to go out of my way to make people happy.  I love it when people smile, but it is not my place to get them there anymore.  The last few times I tried, I either got on people’s nerves or got them irritated.  Then I feel bad, guilty and disappointed.  Just to mention a few of the emotions that I experienced.  I can feel I am building up pressure inside, and I am going to explode as time progress.  I just wish things were a bit less complicated and confusing.  Things would’ve been so much easier.

Something New –           Ok, I have started my employment at the new company.  I have been stressing these last few weeks.  I was nauseous and needed to take a calming pill to settle my nerves.  I am trying to relax more.  Furthermore, I try to take in more water and get my daily shot of my cinnamon / honey – muti.  I try to read the Bible more often too.  I saw a friend from Middleburg too.  It seems like he is coping  well and I am glad for that.

I saw that friend I mentioned before again a while back.  I missed her in the past but since she revealed that she doesn’t trust me, I don’t really miss her at all.  Quite a shame actually.  She is amazing with an extraordinary personality and mighty fine body.

Missing Pieces –           I know here is a part missing.  For some odd reason I have lost a big piece that was supposed to be saved here.  I will update this document with the missing pieces if I can restore some of it.  I have a lot on my mind.  The ones I love and missed for so long, do uplift my spirit, but time gets shorter and my thoughts already starts drifting.  I know I work on some people’s nerves and I know some doesn’t mind me bugging them.  How long will it be till I see them again?  One year?  Three years? Five years even?  A special friend of mine is smiling, she looks so happy, she looks forward to life, the best sight to see ever.

Other thoughts?  Scared I suppose… of consequences of decisions I made.  Nervous and anxious is mixed into the fear.

A family I never had – away from home; friends you can’t compare to the greatest treasures in life.  I owe these people so much, but where to start t repay them?  How do you repay them?  Will even everything in this world be enough?

I started reading a book at one of my friends.  She suggested I definitely had to read this book.  This book talked about hell, and what to expect… and it is scary to say the least.  After reading that book I just realised how important and urgent it is to get my life sorted.  I can’t postpone it for any longer.

Life –           Time passes and move on.  Life is time and space.  Life is physical and emotional.  Life is give and take.  Life is one word that can have two meanings.  What meaning does your life have?  Positive or negative? Constructive or destructive? A double-edged knife can be used to feed and sustain life or kill and take a life.  What do we make of our life?  A bigger, heavier and more relevant questions:  What can we make of our life?

Lost Direction –           I am very indecisive  today.  On the one hand my mind tells me to do something, on the other my pride hinder me to do so.  I know what I want, but I know just as well what I can have and just settle with that.  Regrets make me question the important things in my life.  I am on holiday but my mind is not really here.  My mind is somewhere else.  Is serenity and pure calmness only part of a fairytale?  Can it be real?  Is true satisfaction just a temporary emotion? Or is it a possibility?

Christmas Spirit –           Have you ever thought of the whole concept? Sure, giving and receiving Christmas presents, Santa Claus  and all that.  Obviously, it is not what Christmas is all about. It is about celebrating the birth of Christ, about our Saviour and us being saved.  I think the spirit of Christmas is not about getting gifts and toys.  I think it is a subconscious feeling of relief that we have been saved… a subconscious feeling that there is hope… a subconscious feeling that we have been filled with love and saved by it… a subconscious feeling that we are not alone and there is always someone out there to share it with you.

The gift we are supposed to give and receive doesn’t cost an arm or a leg,  it is not exclusively available at one store.  It is love… Love is free; it is powerful; it is all around… just as long as it is pure.  With love come forgiveness; with love comes happiness; with love comes everything that can please a heart; that can put a smile on a face.  Isn’t that worth more than we could ever expect?

Smile –           Smiles and laughter can sure make or break an atmosphere.  Good or bad.  I’ve just realised it again today.  It is truly addictive.  You notice someone frown, you tend to criticize them.  When you see someone smile, chances are, you will start smiling too… even before you realise it.

Good People –           I phoned my Middelburg-family yesterday.  They almost had a heart-attack.  I promised I will visit them before they go on holiday.  I missed them so much.  The last two years I constantly thought of them.  How the folks are doing?  How the brother is doing in the place where he finds himself… a place where civilization still needs to be explored . Whether the brother is married already or going steady with someone that stole his heart. How the sister’s studies and love life is going as well.

I owe these people so much.  I owe them my life and more.  I was really blessed with them when I stayed in Middelburg.  I hope there won’t be an awkward silence when I am there.  One day I want to treat and spoil them rotten.  I’ll just wait till my little boat (hopefully not named Titanic) arrives and docks.

Time has passed and I went to see my Middelburg family.  I can’t get them out of my head again.  They truly mean so much to me.  I love them to bits.  I must make a habit of it to see them more often.

New Year’s Resolutions –           So what is your new year’s resolution?  I think mine will be to retake my studies and slowly but surely get my life back on track.  A more drastic one?  Maybe try and find and win over the lady of my dreams, but before then I need to get the courage to step over that line.  For now, I will stick to the studies as it is more accomplishable.

I am trying now to make a entry into this document on a daily basis, or as regular as what I have something worth while to say.  I want to touch my faith again, i.e. reading the Bible more frequently.  I want to get my life and soul back on track.  I have a few goals I want to reach during 2006.  My studies won’t be in the same direction as before.  It will be work related.  After that I want to get some studies completed in photography.  I want to advance my mental state and improve myself.  All in due time though.  All in due time.

I want to exercise again.  Get fit, healthy and in shape.  My sister wants to walk ‘Die Otter’ and for that, you need a lot of exercise. I want to treat the people in my life with love and respect.  I want to try and rectify the things I screwed up in the past.

So, if I have to list the things I want to change this year, it will be as follows:

i.)                  Faith – I want to strengthen my faith and live closer to my Creator.

ii.)                Studies – I want to exercise my brain with studies before my brain becomes a vacuum.

iii.)              Health – I want to exercise and eat correct.  I want to end up with a flat stomach and even build up a little bit of muscle, not just flabby fat cells.

iv.)              Friends and Family – treat the important people in my life with love and respect as they deserve.  Place them on a pedestal where they belong.

That pretty much cover it.  ALL that is my new year’s resolutions.

Loneliness –           Tonight I feel lonely.  I don’t feel lonely because of the date or something tat happened today.  Maybe it is just because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself and where my mind has too much time to think.  Or I just AM lonely.  All I know is that I am sitting here and pondering what t do.  Maybe the silence is getting to me.  Either way, I could do with someone to talk to right now.

It is one of those nights where I think of all the unhappy things again.  I think people get married too soon.  Or I am just too slow to ever get married.  Maybe I want to be emotionally so involved that by the time I come to my senses, the other party finds me boring and runs before I commit.

Why do people get married?  Is it just to be able to share a house and nobody can point fingers?  Is it to keep the church and parents off your back?  I will be honest when I say that I will rather share a house before I get married to make sure I am not making a big mistake.

I miss someone today.  She could tolerate my mood swings, she is funny, smart and gorgeous.

Ok, I have been away from this document for some time now.  But my entry is pretty much still about loneliness.  I cannot sleep as my mind is tumbling down a mountain of emotions.  I made a choice a while ago, but the consequences is hard to bear.

My heart beats like a pounding headache and my soul hurts in such a way my arms are numb.  My heart feels like failing after each beat.  Tears fill my eyes and drown my speechless lips.  I feel empty inside.  I feel blackened and it feels like death is taking control over me.  My faith in religion is something to be ashamed about.  Te person I became is despicable.  I have lost control over my life.

Some friend said that I live for pain.  Was that an opinion or was it a fact that I am too scared to know the answer to?  I do hate pain, yet, I cause pain upon my family, my friends and myself.  More often than what I would like to acknowledge to.

Relationships –           I heard  today a saying “Faith Precedes Miracles”.  I have never thought about it but I just realised why I think some of the people I know are miracles.  Maybe it is because I have faith in them.  Maybe that is my whole problem.  I put too much faith in people.

It brings me back to relationships – people are too selfish to make adjustments or they change so much that they inherit the other person’s personality and lose their own.  Where should one draw the line?  I think there are three options when building a long-term relationship.  One option is to sacrifice, one is to compromise and the last is a bit of both from both sides.

The way I see it, sacrifice is when you give up who you are to make someone else happy.  You change yourself to make someone else complete. Where you, in fact, emptied yourself to fulfil the other.  I do not believe in it and I never will.

The difference between sacrifice and compromise is this:  according to the dictionary, sacrifice means giving up something you value whilst compromise is settling for something a little less.

I believe in a healthy percentage of compromise from both parties.  Compromise is where you don’t stop being yourself, but you accept that you and your other half made a new unity.  It is where each other compliment each other’s personality and make a fulfilling unit.

Friendships are relationships too.  I truly care for some friends and get told I am fake.  Friends are all I live for and now I get told that I am fake?  So my life and my ideals are fake?  As soon as I decide to let friends close to my heart and allow them to enter where few people enter my soul, this happens.  What I am about to say will have a lot a swearing and cursing and that is why I rewrote this document, so I ask you to imagine what I think.  Now if you wonder why I push people away when they get close, now you have a little insight on why.

I have met the greatest people, I have met not so great people.  However, I have always respected both groups.  Now, I am not sure about it anymore.  Maybe people are of the opinion that my respect is fake too.

I am closing this entry as I am about to explode where I am supposed to try and sleep, but my head is spinning and I don’t know anymore.

Manipulation –           This is my topic for tonight.  I have a heavy, bitter, blackened heart tonight and I suppose that my entry tonight won’t be very constructive.

Must on allow oneself to be manipulated?  I thought that answer was obvious.  I thought one would say without a doubt just say ‘No”, but everywhere I look, people get manipulated to become what they are not, thus drowning their own happiness.  I, myself, dig myself that very same grave.  So I am not preaching.  It is merely thoughts.  I manipulated my situation that it cost me dearly.

Lust & Love                           –           A few weeks of absence from this.  I have decided to add a few words again.  It will be random thoughts as I didn’t attend to this document for a long time.

My first train of thought… Be willing to sacrifice anything you have, except your heart and soul – even if you think you are absolutely sure.  The heart and souls is who you are.  But what does a heart mean when you confuse lust for love?  Lust is when you want to go to bed with someone and stay awake having sex; love is when you go to bed together, as one, hold each other tight, feeling perfect when you open your eyes and the first thing you see is your rays of sunshine (sex is just a added benefit).

How many of us truly know what love is?  How many of us knows what it takes to love someone?  How many of us know the difference between love and lust?

I think that people doesn’t understand love.  I think people think love does not involve working on the feeling.  I think love is like a game… any game.  It takes effort, hard work and practice to make you truly good at loving someone.  Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win.  The prize is irreplaceable.  If you are a winner (without taking shortcuts and cheating), you will understand the enormous authority and magical powers of true love.

A song Coalmine – Armchair Cynics got the coolest words.  It is in the line of ‘it is time you find diamonds in the coal mine called me’.  Very powerful words!  You cannot find the best person if you don’t make the effort to look.

No matter how dull and lame some friendships seem, there is always that one or two that change your view drastically.  I have met great and wonderful people.  And as time move on and life flies past our preoccupied eyes, you tend to lose contact…yet, it doesn’t mean the thought is not there.

As I read through some of these pages that I added here, I wonder if I am the only one with so many issues?  I think my mind has left me a few years back already.

Lost but not Forgotten –           Tonight, I break my rule of this blog a little bit.  Tonight, 4th of October 2006, I feel heartbroken.  I feel pain. It is probably one of the times in my life where I really feel lonely.  Tomorrow, 5 October 2009, we put down our black Labrador.  His hips gave in and I can’t bear to see him in such pain anymore.  This past Saturday,  I noticed him struggling to stand up.  I can see he is uncomfortable.  I can see he is in pain.  I almost cried when I saw him battling like that.

I am going to miss this canine. If I had to describe Blacky (my lab’s name), it will be the miracle God gave me to cross my path.  It was a guard dog, a friend, a brother to me.  It was my happiness when I went outside, he was my calming pills when I needed to vent.  He was one of the best things that happened in my life, and here I am loosing one of the best things in my life.  Good memories occupies my mind as if it was an emptiness sucking up anything.  Friends have failed me; family has failed me…this little bundle of joy, was the keeper of my soul’s positive energy.  Eleven years… I was blessed 11 years with this magnificent creature.  I could remember when we fetched the pup from his parents, like it was yesterday.  And I will never forget this last night with him.  I owe this dog so much.

The worst of it all is that I think he can sense my negative and sadness within me.  How do you comfort a friend like this when they know your inner better than anyone?  You can talk and express lies with your tongue, but your thoughts are the only pure, uncontrolled expressions.

Snowpatrol – Chasing Cars.  A song that fiddles with my heart.  Amazing song and awesome lyrics.

Emptiness –           Tonight I feel lonely and empty.  In this past week I lost a great deal.  My heart was filled with happiness, love and warmth… thanks to my decisions, it has forced bitterness and loneliness where the great feelings were before.  It has hardened my heart and soul and soiled it with scars and pain.  It moulds the pain into each chamber of my heart… pumping recklessly and furiously into my soul.

Why do I allow people to get close to me?  Just to fail me?  Just to use me?  Just to waste my time on them?

RIP –           Tonight, I wish to mention a friend that I met on IRC.  The Grinning Reaper (Stuart ‘4×4 Raj’ Smith), passed away.  He was a brilliant friend, part of the furniture on the Lagnet server and just brilliance of a being.  We will miss him greatly, but he will always live on in our hearts.

***8 September 1977 – 16 November 2006***


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