Posted: October 15, 2006 in Prior to 2006

Tonight I feel lonely.  I don’t feel lonely because of the date or something tat happened today.  Maybe it is just because I am bored and don’t know what to do with myself and where my mind has too much time to think.  Or I just AM lonely.  All I know is that I am sitting here and pondering what t do.  Maybe the silence is getting to me.  Either way, I could do with someone to talk to right now.

It is one of those nights where I think of all the unhappy things again.  I think people get married too soon.  Or I am just too slow to ever get married.  Maybe I want to be emotionally so involved that by the time I come to my senses, the other party finds me boring and runs before I commit.

Why do people get married?  Is it just to be able to share a house and nobody can point fingers?  Is it to keep the church and parents off your back?  I will be honest when I say that I will rather share a house before I get married to make sure I am not making a big mistake.

I miss someone today.  She could tolerate my mood swings, she is funny, smart and gorgeous.

Ok, I have been away from this document for some time now.  But my entry is pretty much still about loneliness.  I cannot sleep as my mind is tumbling down a mountain of emotions.  I made a choice a while ago, but the consequences is hard to bear.

My heart beats like a pounding headache and my soul hurts in such a way my arms are numb.  My heart feels like failing after each beat.  Tears fill my eyes and drown my speechless lips.  I feel empty inside.  I feel blackened and it feels like death is taking control over me.  My faith in religion is something to be ashamed about.  Te person I became is despicable.  I have lost control over my life.

Some friend said that I live for pain.  Was that an opinion or was it a fact that I am too scared to know the answer to?  I do hate pain, yet, I cause pain upon my family, my friends and myself.  More often than what I would like to acknowledge to.


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