Jealousy

Posted: July 22, 2006 in Prior to 2006
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Tonight, for the first time in years, I feel a hint of jealousy.  I broke up one specific friendship for a few reasons. These reasons range from the atmosphere at home to other more complicated reasons.  Another hidden reason is that I grew too fond of this particular lady.  Here is where consequences come to play me the fool again.

I have this gut feeling that this lady is now involved with someone.  I might be mistaken, but I doubt it.  I’ll be happy if she is happy…. Blah blah fishpaste! Well, it is actually true.  I would love to see her happy.  I constantly look at her photos, and then I just realize what a sexy smile she has! Truly a warm and calming smile.  And her eyes penetrate one with ease.

Yes, I have fallen… and yes it does hurt now!  Pain has caught up with me.  Every day I have this urge just to SMS her, to ask her how she is doing, or what she’s been up to?  But then fear overpowers me, and I am back to square one.

I am filled with guilt as these feelings were kept secret and hidden from her (even the fact that she has her heart set on someone else, is not an excuse for telling her how I feel).  I have deceived her and betrayed myself.  Not being true is a lie! Destiny you cannot change, but the way you get there is all up to you, right?  Fear has ruled my life.  And fear makes an end to a lot of good things I had.  I blame no-one.  I DID have a choice.  I just made the wrong choice.  Now if there were a course presented to make the right decisions in life and love, I would pay any amount to attend as I have quite a collection of erroneous ones.

Fear     –           Regret –           Pain

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