Posted: July 14, 2006 in Prior to 2006

They say live life without regrets.  I have regrets, and a lot of it!  I did something and now the consequences haunt me.  And I mean it really haunts me.  I battle to sleep.  I walk hours on end just to try and forget.  I walked the last few days for a minimum of two hours.  The worst of it all,  it doesn’t help much.  No matter where I find myself, I still feel broken.  What have I done?  At times like these, I wish I had more guts to express my feelings and emotions to someone.

I have been alone for some time now.  Now is where I find myself to be lonely and miserable again.  I make unrealistic wishes that I am certain won’t come true.  Like R Kelly say in one of his songs: ‘turn back the hand of time’.  I know everything in life happen for a reason, but right now it feels like I am the reason for my own miserable state I find myself in, and it will probably be the closest to the truth.

Why don’t I correct it?  It is probably because I am too shy to mention anything.  Or that I can’t swallow the little pride I have to take a chance and should the outcome not be what I was looking for, just move on fast and put it all behind me?

I wish…I wish… I wish!  Where I am right now, I am failing life (and that is put very mildly).  I don’t know where to ask for help anymore.  It was never my strong point to ask for help.  It would’ve been so much simpler and easier if some knew what was going on in my mind.  I believe life isn’t supposed to be easy to figure out.  It make life challenging; sometimes even almost unbearable.

I am tired of standing still.  I just wish I could share my life with someone.  Later on, I will have something to give.  At present I don’t have much.  But I know in my heart, I can make someone happy, or I will do my very best to do so.  And not just anyone… that special someone, that specific one.

What have I done?  During today I have listened to a song very specific to where I find myself right now:  Puff Daddy – I’ll be missing you.  Maybe I am not destined to share in love; maybe I should just silently love, unnoticeably, and leave it at that.

But then again, if it was this simple and I had such an easy way out, I probably would’ve never even started this document.

It’s never simple, is it.?


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