Posted: September 1, 2005 in Prior to 2006

So, whenever I drink, or bench-drink as a very dear and gorgeous friend put it so politely, it is just to escape the pain for a few hours.  I know this is not the solution.

But is there a solution for pain?  Do you get pills for heartache?  Do you get pills to ‘fix’ sorrow?  You get but a sedative to release you from it for a little while.  That is what the bench drinking is for me.  Just a liquid form of medicine to escape to pain for a little while.  The only time I am somewhat free of pain.  Even if it is only for a little while, just that little while, where I have no reason to pretend.

Just a little while to live life.  Just a little time.  It is all I ask.  Just those few moments. People think I run away from it, but it is more as if I take a little break from it; I do always return… so it cannot be that I run away.  I wish I could just run away from it all.  But where to?  Where does one hide from pain? Where does one find salvation?  Where does one find that place? I know… I know no such place.  You might say religion and faith is the answer to that, and I want to believe that.  It is just damn difficult.  I am trying to get closer to my Maker these last few days.  I read the Bible; I prayed.  But even then… my mind is sidetracked.  I do question religion – which I know is wrong – but I know that somewhere there had to be something to begin everything!  I do not doubt religion.  I just doubt I am capable enough to understand some of it all.  It tears me in two.  On the one side I try to do the right thing that, when I depart, I had shown even just a hint of true praise for my Maker.

On the other hand, I have this pain and sorrow being that question and doubt everything; one that wants to make an end to a life, just to get the easy way out.  Just to kill the pain. Just to ease the sorrows.  Just to end all the questions.

What do I do?  Does anyone know the answer to that?


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